The LetterPress

Keep Commas & Carry On

2010-08-19T10:35:00.000-05:00

You may have noticed, eagle-eye readers, that I've been elsewhere for many months. I'm not taking down this blog, as the occasional visitor does come by and check out the archives of knowledge and nonsense. But for the time being, the blog exists in stasis. I'll let you know if it returns to its former glory. In the meantime, back to the bunker. And write on!

Eat Your Popular Orange Veggies

2010-06-03T06:43:00.001-05:00

Are you guilty of overusing your POVs?

No, not points of view--popular orange vegetables.

It seems the blogger of all things English for The Guardian (UK) sees too many colorful synonyms in news stories. You know the kind of thing. For example, in yesterday's Kansas City Star, actress Melissa Leo was referred to later in the article as "the wiry redhead." When one story in The Liverpool Echo referred to carrots as "the popular orange vegetable," throwing the newsroom into hysterics, our British blogger started calling all such hateful synonymous phrases POVs.

While I'm sympathetic to the cause--and I do get tired of hearing various countries called "the war-torn republic" or heads of state nicknamed "the beleagured leader"--I have to say that sometimes these phrases do impart a little extra info. The "wiry redhead" mentioned above provokes a chuckle, and maybe that could have been phrased better, but at least now I know Melissa Leo is a redhead. And wiry.

Read the blog and form your own opinion on the topic. The comments actually give some of the best examples (bananas = "bendy yellow fruit").

Dough-nuts

2010-06-01T21:45:00.000-05:00

If, like me, you sometimes weep into your Guinness over the loss of dough from the doughnut (aka--ugh--donut), you can at least make them at home and spell them however you like.

It's Not a Word, Thank God

2010-06-01T17:05:00.001-05:00

I had a heart-stopping moment today during e-mail perusal, grammar fans. Every day I get loads of messages and updates from that venerable publication, Writer's Digest. They let me know what's going on in WD World in case I was too lazy to check the blogs (I usually am). Today one e-mail had this to say:

We all see the word "alot" used in various places, but our teachers always told us not to use it. Has something changed? Your favorite newsletter editor Brian A. Klems has the scoop. Click to continue.

Hail to good e-mail marketers everywhere! They can, occasionally, force me to do something I'd rather not. I know the story behind the word alot (it ain't one). I don't need Newsletter Editor Klems to clarify the matter for me. But the Insecure Grammarian within quailed just a bit upon reading the question

Has something changed?

and the command

Click to continue.

I clicked. I had to know.

Scoop update: Alot is still not a word. Ah, the relief of the righteous! Click here to read Brian's reassuring post. Click here to read what is (to my mind) a hilarious send-up of the nonword alot.

Donut probably is a word. *SIGH*

Learning Your Konglish

2010-05-27T08:19:00.004-05:00

The great thing about having a blog that, honestly, few people stand in line to read is that you don't have to feel guilty about not posting. (But thank you, Jen Brubacher, for caring.) Still, despite lacking a childhood steeped in Jewish or Catholic traditions, I seem to have an inborn sense of guilt. *SIGH*

So here I am, passing on a link to the New York Times review of Robert McCrum's book about the way English is taking over the globe (Globish: How the English Language Became the World's Language, Norton, $26.95). I love watching language morph and bend, even as I rail against textspeak and people who don't know that one exclamation point is really all you need. If you can be objective about it--right, I know, I can't--it's fascinating to learn how English is spoken both in Buckingham Palace (where we hope, dear God, they've got it right) and in South Korea (where a hybrid strain is known as Konglish) and in Malaysia (Manglish). But why is it that Konglish seems charming while textspeak is cringeworthy?

Maybe it's because American English is the prophet in its own country, to my mind. Familiarity breeds contempt. (Feel free to insert your own cliche here.) I live in the American Midwest, home to some of the laziest speakers on the planet. (No, no, Kansas farmers: You're incredibly hardworking. Put the pitchfork down.) I mean that the Midwestern pronunciation is lazy. One can speak Midwestern without hardly opening one's mouth. The vowels are flat, the consonants fuzzy, the word endings mumbled. When we learn other languages in school, we have to be taught to appreciate the musicality, the subtle tonal differences, of our language. We have to work at it. I have no research to back this up, but I would presume that people who speak more precisely pronounced tongues, like French, have an easier time learning to make the different sounds of other languages. (Though granted, French speakers have a devilish time learning to speak Midwestern English. They can't seem to swallow half the sounds as we do.)

We grow up here, isolationist, unwilling to consider that other folks in other parts of the world not only speak English differently, but possibly other languages altogether. I apologize in advance to fellow Midwesterners who might read the blog. Of course it isn't true of all of us, and it's a natural result of living in the middle of a large, self-serving nation. But while the spread of English makes my life a lot easier, I weep just a little too. It wouldn't kill us--English speakers, Midwesterners, Americans--to have to learn someone else's lingo for a change.

Think about that the next time you're put on hold and someone says, “Para continuar en español, marque el dos.”

What's Easy About Pie?

2010-02-04T05:00:00.002-06:00

To tide you over until my return from book-editing exile, I turn to The Word Detective, who has been giving us "Words and Language in a Humorous Vein on the Web Since 1995."

Ever wonder about the origin of the phrase "It's as easy as pie"? What's so dang easy about pie? I can spend an afternoon up to my elbows in pie crust and not feel easy at all about it. The WD gives you the scoop right here. Enjoy.

The Prolific Blogger Award

2010-02-03T08:03:00.006-06:00

Yes, in the midst of a blogging hiatus, I've been nominated for The Prolific Blogger Award. Ironic, yes?

I suppose, were this a standard acceptance speech, that I would be quick to thank one or two deities along with my (fictional) Great-Aunt Nellie, who first taught me to avoid double negatives as I would last holiday's fruitcake. After shedding a few tears as my whitening knuckles gripped the award, I would choke out thanks to everyone else who ever played a part in my well-being up to this point.

But actually I owe thanks to another Prolific Blogger, Jen Brubacher, who faithfully reads and comments on this blog and has nominated me for the award, which you can read about here.

And now, for my own nominations ...

Jen Brubacher (of course) at Scribo Ergo Sum
Librarian, writer, book lover, humorist--Jen does it all. (Also nominates me for awards--neat!)

Cynthia Leitich Smith at Cynsations
She's got her finger on the pulse of children's books and includes author interviews, book reviews, and news on literary agents.

The Blood-Red Pencil
A dozen or so editors help boost your morale and whip your writing into shape.

Nathan Bransford
This literary agent from Curtis Brown Ltd. offers great advice and blogs tirelessly. A must-read.

Pimp My Novel
Eric gives the inside scoop of what happens to your book once it (please please please!) sells.

Inside Books
Simon Quicke, London business journalist, takes time out of his packed reading schedule to share insights on books he's consuming.

Hey Lady! Whatcha Readin'?
I'd plug Trish's blog just because of the pinup girl in the header, but she also happens to rock as a book reviewer.

How to Say Stuff in English

2010-02-01T08:57:00.004-06:00

Even during my self-imposed blog hiatus I feel compelled to check in with you grammar lovers. Something to chew on: mydictionary.com's list of commonly mispronounced words and phrases. While technically right, some of the items on this list seem a little extreme. My own peeves include transposing syllables/letters (the infamous "nu-kyuh-ler" version of nuclear) and inserting syllables/letters where they don't belong ("miss-CHEE-vee-us"--wrong--instead of "MISS-chuh-vus"--there are only three syllables in the word mischievous, gang). Enjoy, and if you like, state your own peeve or opinion in the Comments section.

Quiz #19: Numbers & Words

2010-01-22T08:46:00.002-06:00

Don’t take this week’s quiz too seriously, folks. I know you all usually sweat bullets during these exacting exams, but relax—this isn’t grammar, it’s style. As long as you’re spelling the number right, you’re not really wrong. Pencils out! Books away!

(1) The Count beat Ernie at checkers (19 / nineteen) games to (5 / five).
(2) “That’s nothing,” said Bert. “Last week I won (40 / forty) games.”
(3) Oscar advised taking Route (71 / Seventy-One) to the city dump.
(4) Big Bird thought that was a great spot for the party he was hosting on January (23 / twenty-third).
(5) Gordon and Susan live at (123 / One Hundred Twenty-Three) Sesame Street.

ANSWERS

(1) The Count beat Ernie at checkers 19 games to 5.
Because this construction is like a score, numerals are preferred.

(2) “That’s nothing,” said Bert. “Last week I won forty games.”
Here, Bert is just stating a number, not an entire score, so we’ll spell out forty. Also: Editors frown on numerals within dialogue; spell out the numbers whenever possible.

(3) Oscar advised taking Route 71 to the city dump.
Routes, interstates, and street numbers are generally written as numerals. Exceptions include numbers under 11, as in Fifth Avenue and Tenth Street.

(4) Big Bird thought that was a great spot for the party he was hosting on January 23.
Dates = numerals.

(5) Gordon and Susan live at 123 Sesame Street.
An address functions like a numbered street, so numerals are usually the rule.

Again, these rules are bendable, so don’t get in a lather. But make your editor’s life easier (and score major suck-up points) by matching the style of the publication you’re writing for. As always, consistency counts!

Next week: Touchy gender issues in grammar.

Numbers & Words, Part II

2010-01-20T10:32:00.003-06:00

Yesterday we talked about numbers and how they can muscle their way into our tidy world of words. It bears repeating, grammar fans, that most of what we’re talking about is a style issue—there’s not a right or a wrong way to do things, but editors have their own quirky preferences and as always, consistency is queen.

Dates

In prose—as opposed to a list, chart, or what have you—the date should be punctuated thus:

On August 28, 1963, Martin Luther King delivered his famous “I Have a Dream” speech.

Note the commas: One after 28 and a second after 1963. It’s the second comma that so many people omit, but it’s necessary to set the date apart from the rest of the sentence.

As far as Chicago is concerned, it isn’t necessary to add a th to 28, although English teachers may have a different opinion. When in doubt, consult the authority you’re trying to please. We all kowtow to someone.

Centuries & Decades

When referring to decades, lowercase them and spell them out:

We lived in New York in the eighties.

Now that could produce confusion—are you talking about your eighties (when you were eighty-one, eighty-two, etc.) or the century’s eighties? Personally, I prefer:

We lived in New York in the 1980s.

This is also acceptable per the style books, but it’s a little more formal. I’d rather be clear. In newspaper writing (AP style), both for clarity and space reasons, 1980s is the rule.

Punctuation Note!

No apostrophe needed: the 1980s, the 1500s, the 1430s

Time of Day

Spell out times of day when they’re inexact:

five o’clock
quarter after one
half past six

But when talking about a very specific time, use numerals:

Our plane leaves at 1:50.

To designate morning vs. afternoon, use a.m. and p.m. Some publications use small caps without periods. Chicago prefers 12:00 noon to 12:00 p.m., because until 12:01, the time technically isn’t p.m. (which stands for post meridian). Be that as it may, standard usage says that 12:00 p.m. is noon, and 12:00 a.m. is midnight. (I once tried to explain this to a classroom of second graders. I don’t advise trying it. “But a.m. is morning, and it’s dark at midnight!” So true. Sorry, kids.)

Friday’s quiz will be all about numbers and words. I haven’t decided yet if I’m disgruntled enough to write a Peeve of the Week, but you can always check back tomorrow if you’ve got nothing better to do.

Numbers & Words

2010-01-18T11:00:00.000-06:00

Grammar, you’ll likely say to yourself, involves words—how we use them, put them together, and decorate them with funny punctuation marks. But numbers are words too—believe it or not—and while this week’s lesson doesn’t strictly address grammar, it does address the larger world of writing and style.

These are just some ordinary style points to consider when writing numbers:

Spell Them Out—Unless It Looks Dorky

Many style books, like The Chicago Manual, adhere to the “spell out every number from zero through one hundred” rule. It makes sense, although the Associated Press prefers spelling out numbers only through nine (presumably because periodical space is at a premium). It looks something like this:

Chicago:
Sue ate fifteen pies at this year’s contest, but Ianto ate only four.
AP:
Sue ate 15 pies at this year’s contest, but Ianto ate only four.

That said, for things like measurements and game scores, spelling numbers out would look dorky, so:

Both:
We defeated Hellcat High’s football team 21 to 7.

Both Chicago and AP prefer that numbers be spelled out at the beginning of sentences:

Two hundred fifty-three people attended the pie-eating contest.

But again, because people are so accustomed to seeing a year written as numerals, this is off-putting:

Nineteen hundred fifty-three was the first year Cavalier County held its pie-eating contest.

AP doesn’t care if you want to start with 1953 instead—in fact, AP prefers it—but Chicago says it’s better to rewrite the sentence. For example:

In 1953, Cavalier County held its first pie-eating contest.

Other Conventions

Here’s a short list of times that numbers should preferably be written as numerals:

Act 2 of Romeo and Juliet
the film The Godfather II
Interstate 35
United Auto Workers, Local 101
the fated flight of Apollo 13
an increase of 61 percent
the 9:05 express to Washington

As fascinating as this topic is, we must leave it for now and continue tomorrow. Too much excitement in one day isn't good for any of us.

Quiz #19: Verb-Noun Agreement

2010-01-15T05:00:00.003-06:00

Circle the correct verb form in these sentences. Need to review? Click here and here.

(1) Lewis is one of those writers who (transports / transport) the reader to magical realms.

(2) None of the Pevensie children (has / have) an easy time of it in Narnia.

(3) Lucy is a girl who (loves / love) adventure.

(4) The Witch, along with an assortment of evil creatures, (strives / strive) to defeat Aslan’s army.

(5) She alone of all her people (fights / fight) Aslan to the death.

ANSWERS

(1) Lewis is one of those writers who transport the reader to magical realms.
Remember, this is a complete relative clause: who transport the reader to magical realms. Lewis falls into that group; he’s just one of many. Hence, plural verb.

(2) None of the Pevensie children has an easy time of it in Narnia.
None always takes a singular verb form. It’s just like saying “Nobody has an easy time of it.”

(3) Lucy is a girl who loves adventure.
She’s not one of a hundred girls who love adventure; we’re just talking about her: singular verb form.

(4) The Witch, along with an assortment of evil creatures, strives to defeat Aslan’s army.
Once a singular noun, always a singular noun. The Witch is the subject, not this ragtag gang of hers.

(5) She alone of all her people fights Aslan to the death.
We don’t even have a relative clause here. All her people don’t do the fighting; only she does. Of all her people is just a prepositional phrase.

Next week: the world of numbers and how it can possibly relate to the world of words.

Peeve of the Week: Pluralizing Proper Names

2010-01-14T05:00:00.003-06:00

Before anyone comments on the title of this post, allow me to quote Webby:

pluralize (transitive verb) To make plural or express in the plural form.

Great. Now that we've gotten that out of the way, on to the Peeve. Here's an example of the sort of preprinted holiday cards I received this season:

Merry Christmas from the Smith's!

Do I object to preprinted cards? Hardly. Who has time to print "Merry Christmas" a hundred times? And I love that these sentiments often come printed on nice family photos with a Christmassy border. Do I mind that I've received some of them in January? Not a smidge--send them as Valentines for all I care. I just like getting mail.

The problem is with the blasted apostrophe. It's become so ubiquitous that my dear sister, who knows when to use apostrophes and when to leave them in the rubbish heap, called me in a panic and asked if she's been writing her cards wrong all these years.

She hasn't.

One member of the Smith family is a Smith:

Even after her marriage to Kevin Delaney, Nadine remained a Smith.

Two members of the Smith family are Smiths:

I'd love to have the Smiths over for dinner, but you know they'd eat us out of house and home.
The card read: "Merry Christmas from the Smiths!"
The Smiths are a lovely family, but they do misplace apostrophes.

Tricky Names

Last names that end in s or sh are treated just like other nouns that end that way. You add an -es at the end to form the plural. Here are some nouns:

mess -- messes
dress -- dresses
brush -- brushes
push -- pushes

The same applies to last names:

Jones -- the Joneses
Meyers -- the Meyerses
Ness -- the Nesses
Greenbush -- the Greenbushes

If your name ends in -se, add an -s only, just as you normally would:

Lachaise -- the Lachaises
Maise -- the Maises

When to Use an Apostrophe

An apostrophe denotes ownership, as in:

Fiona Smith's party extended into the morning hours.
Lyle Birchman's car is stuck in a snowdrift.

Put the apostrophe after the plural name if something is owned by more than one person in the family:

I love the Joneses' new house.
The Smiths' Christmas card was lovely this year.
The Meyerses' Rottweiler is friendly.

If you are one of those families that included an inappropriate apostrophe in their holiday cards, believe me, I'm still thrilled to have heard from you. Just don't confuse my sister any longer, okay?

Verb-Noun Agreement, Part II

2010-01-12T05:00:00.002-06:00

Yesterday we talked about pesky relative clauses that throw our orderly world of noun-verb agreement into wonky shock. Here are some selective other monsters in this particular jungle:

Collective Nouns

Back in August, we discussed collective nouns and how they should be treated. Review that post if you need more detail, but for now, just remember:

Collective nouns acting as a unit are paired with singular verbs:

The Pevensie family rules Narnia for many years after the story ends.

These expressions take singular verbs:

everyone
everybody
nobody
no one
none

Everyone gets a holiday today!
No one likes a turncoat, Edmund.
None is more revered than Aslan.

Once a Singular Noun, Always a Singular Noun

Sometimes we feel compelled to throw other nouns into the mix with our main subject:

Lucy, in addition to two brothers and a sister, was sent to the country during the war.

Lucy is our subject. Don’t let the brothers and sister deprive her of that all-important position. In addition to is a prepositional phrase that adds interest to the sentence, but because Lucy is our Almighty Subject, the verb (was sent) is singular, not plural.

You’ll likely catch me getting peevy before this Friday’s quiz ... stay tuned.

Verb-Noun Agreement, Part I

2010-01-11T05:00:00.004-06:00

No one likes to see nouns and verbs fight. It’s ugly and unsettling. So what do we mean by “agreement”?

Singles with Singles, Plurals with Plurals
A plural noun (or pronoun) takes the plural form of the verb. Singular nouns go with singular verb forms. This is news to no one.

Lucy and Edmund enter the Narnian wood before their siblings.
Unfortunately, Edmund meets the White Witch, while Lucy meets a nice faun.

Here’s the Tricky Part

The only trick to verb-noun agreement comes with a few select cases that people tend to confuse. Here’s one:

(RIGHT)
Peter is one of those people who know how to take charge.

Some would look at that sentence and think it should look like this:

(WRONG)
Peter is one of those people who knows how to take charge.

It looks right because of that pesky word one. Shouldn’t one be followed by a singular verb? No. Let’s break it down:

Peter [singular noun] + is [singular verb] one [singular noun] of those people...

If we stop there, everything agrees—Peter is singular, and so is his verb and the appositive (the thing we’re saying that he is). We wouldn’t say Peter is those people, right? But the clause continues:

... people who knows how to take charge.

There’s the problem. The clause who knows how to take charge modifies people, not one. So it has to be:

(RIGHT)
Peter is one of those people who know how to take charge.

But!

Peter is one who knows how to take charge.

In the first example, we lumped Peter into a group—those people who know how to take charge. But here, we’re only talking about Peter. And in this case, who knows how to take charge modifies the word one—because you don’t have a pesky “of those people” clause to muck it all up. You might just as easily say Peter is one guy who knows how to take charge, or Peter is a fellow who knows how to take charge.
One More Sticky Point

Hold your breath, because this is also correct:

Peter is the only one of us who knows how to take charge.

Huh? Why?

Think about your clause. Is this a proper phrase?

[blah blah blah] ... us who knows how to take charge.

No. Us isn’t a subject pronoun. In fact, of us is just a prepositional phrase thrown in to let you know we're not talking about them or you, but us. You can’t turn this sentence around and begin it with this clause the way you might with our first example:

Of the people who know how to take charge, Peter is certainly one.

(This is a horrible sentence, I know, but I’m making a point here.)

If you tried that with Example #3, it would go:

Of us who knows how to take charge, Peter is the only one.

This is not only a bad sentence, it’s ungrammatical. Us can’t be used as a subject.

If you thought this was fun, hold on to your hat! More about agreement tomorrow.

Quiz #18: Moody Verbs

2010-01-08T05:00:00.000-06:00

Your LetterPress editor feels moodiness is justified—mostly because, contrary to all expectations, the Kansas wintertime is cold and snowy. Okay, maybe that’s not the biggest shockbomb on the web, but I’m cold and grumpy. Anyway, do your quiz, sit your exam, however you say it in your part of the world. Circle the correct verb form for each example below.

(1) Ms. Grumpysnit insisted that Bernard (shovel / shovels) the walk before going to school.

(2) If only Bernard (has / had) a backbone!

(3) I called Bernard on the phone and said, “(Lets / Let’s) sneak out before Grumpysnit wakes up!”

(4) “It’s no good,” replied Bernard miserably. “If she (caught / catches) me, I’ll be shoveling from now until April.”

(5) “If I (was / were) you,” I said, “I’d blow this town and move to Bermuda.”

ANSWERS

(1) Ms. Grumpysnit insisted that Bernard shovel the walk before going to school.
Insist is a word that belongs to the subjunctive camp. It’s still hypothetical whether or not Bernard will follow through.

(2) If only Bernard had a backbone!
But clearly Bernard does not: subjunctive.

(3) I called Bernard on the phone and said, “Let’s sneak out before Grumpysnit wakes up!”
Let’s is a contraction: let + us. As an inclusive imperative (also called a first-person imperative), it needs an apostrophe.

(4) “It’s no good,” replied Bernard miserably. “If she catches me, I’ll be shoveling from now until April.”
Bernard is predicting the future, not dreaming about something that can’t happen: indicative mood. Another clue is the I’ll. Otherwise the sentence would read: “If she caught me, I would be shoveling ...”

(5) “If I (was / were) you,” I said, “I’d blow this town and move to Bermuda.”
If I were you ... but I’m not. The subjunctive lives in Hypothetical World.

Who cares if verbs and subjects agree? Grumpy grammar ladies, that’s who. Come back next week and read all about it.

More Moodiness: The English Subjunctive III

2010-01-07T05:00:00.001-06:00

Yesterday we talked about the subjunctive as a world of hypothetical realtiy. But the subjunctive dreamworld doesn’t require an “if ... then ... would” statement. We also use it to try and bring about what may be:

I insist that he buy Josie the plane ticket.
By the way, Josie prefers that the chauffeur be prompt.

Here again, use the base form of the verb (the infinitive without to) as the subjunctive, regardless of the subject: climb, be, judge, have, build, do, eviscerate, etc.

I’m Wishing ...

As is true with the Romance languages, isolated cases of the subjunctive stand alone as oddballs. For example:

I wish I were going with her.
We wish Josie were more generous.

Why not “I wish I be going” or “I wish I go”? No reason; no logic. Use were for all persons (she, we, you, I) because “to be” is an irregular verb. For all other verbs, the simple past will do:

Don’t you wish Josie had a bigger suitcase?

The same goes for the construction “If only ...” It really is no different than the “if ... then” construction we talked about yesterday, but often the conditional clause (“...then I would ...”) is omitted:

If only he were more handsome!
If only we had more time!

I’m Hoping ...

For some reason, hoping is not the same as wishing. It doesn’t require the subjunctive. Don’t we love that wacky English grammar? Use the regular indicative mood instead:

We hope Josie has a wonderful time.
I hope you will come with us to the airport to see Josie off.

But I Read That Somewhere

Will you see these rules violated in print? Yes. Many times. A lot of editors, not to say writers, are pulling away from the subjunctive because (a) they don’t understand when to use it or (b) not enough people care anymore. I make a case for it only because I truly love its elegance. It shows a subtlety of meaning that gives our language grace and nuance. But that’s just my take on it. And since it's my blog, I get to say what I think. Feel free to comment, take issue, disagree, whatever. I'll certainly approve the positive feedback so that everyone can see it.

If only this were the end of our moodiness! Alas, there are no cancellations due to inclement weather at The LetterPress. Be back here at nine(ish) sharp tomorrow for the quiz!

The Doctor's Grammar

2010-01-06T10:05:00.006-06:00

Jen B. says that the Doctor would appreciate the moodiness of English verbs. Earlier in this show, the Doctor corrects this young man's grammar, but here, it's the Doctor who is taken to task (about 20 seconds in on this video). Naturally, he changes the subject.

Moody Verbs II: The English Subjunctive

2010-01-06T09:39:00.003-06:00

If you missed yesterday’s discussion of mood versus tense (as it pertains to verbs, not people), then catch up here. Today we’ll talk about perhaps the most temperamental mood of all: the subjunctive.

What’s It Do?

Think of the subjunctive as the “what if” mood. The dreamer’s mood. The world of the hypothetical. Consider:

If Josie were smart, she would be in the Bahamas this time of year.
If Raoul had a heart, then he would buy Josie a plane ticket today.
If Josie went to the Bahamas, she would write postcards home daily.

It’s important to note that Josie is not smart, Raoul has no heart, and Josie is stuck in the middle of the North American continent, wedged between two snowbanks, far from the land of white sand and mai tais. If these things were the case, the world would be different.

You can think of these as “if ... then” statements, even though we often omit “then” because it isn’t needed. For the “if ... then” statement, form the subjunctive like this:

If + complete clause using subjunctive + conditional clause

The subjunctive mood here usually looks like a simple past tense—except with the verb to be. This pesky irregular verb uses the form were, no matter who you’re talking about. Remember:

If Josie were smart ...
If we were rich ...
If you were brave ...
If they were lovers ...
If I were you ...

The Tricky Part

English also forms “if ... then” sentences that do not take the subjunctive mood.

If you give me a twenty, I’ll fetch the drinks.
If you don’t have any money, just say so.
If the bartender is out of olives, I’ll ask for a lemon twist.

Notice what’s happening above. You’re predicting events; in fact, you’re quite sure of what will happen. You’re not dreaming about it. You’re saying straight out: If x happens, then y will result. The subjunctive mood discusses something that could happen, but it’s just not going to. Listen to the difference:

If you gave me a twenty, I would fetch the drinks. [But you never would in a million years, you cheapskate. I’d die of thirst before you shoved a crowbar into your wallet.]

If you’re unsure whether your “if ... then” sentence needs the subjunctive, ask if it’s true or could be true. (“If I were [but I’m not]”). For instance, a sentence that begins, “If I were you...” is always subjunctive—because I never will be you. So “If I was you” is wrong. Always.

Okay, the subjunctive is proving trickier to explain than I had anticipated, so I’m splitting it into two parts. More tomorrow!

The Mood of the Verb

2010-01-05T09:20:00.004-06:00

2010 greetings to grammar hounds everywhere! By now you’re well into your first week of January and the sheen has started to fade from your new year, but be of good cheer: You still have 360 wondrous days ahead, days filled with mystery and intrigue. Why mystery? Because trust me: You don’t know what’s coming. Not every day of 2010 will be a joy ride; nor will every day be drudgery. But one thing you can count on—you’ll get some surprises along the way.

So what mood are you in today? What mood are your verbs in? What the blazes do we mean by mood, anyway?

Last month we discussed verb tenses. Tense tells you when something is happening, as in:

Priscilla cried like a baby during the series finale of Doctor Who.
Priscilla will cry like a baby during the series finale of Doctor Who.
When will Priscilla stop crying?
Priscilla was crying too hard to notice that the Doctor regenerated into someone with too much hair.

On the other hand, mood tells you how a verb expresses an action or condition. The mood can be indicative, imperative, or subjunctive. This week we’ll cover all three, starting with the two easiest.

Indicative Mood

The indicative mood indicates something. It tells what’s happening or asks a question. As such, it’s the most common mood we’ve got in English. The examples above illustrating Priscilla’s pathetic reluctance to let the Tenth Doctor go gentle into that good night are all in the indicative mood. Easy-peasy.

Imperative Mood

Some people are almost always in an imperative mood. Use it to issue orders:

Let me out!
Eat your vegetables.
Give me a hand.
Don’t go in there.
Be good.

In each case, use the base form of the verb (the infinitive without “to”). The order is issued to whomever you’re addressing, but the you is understood, unless you’re emphasizing it:

You be good now.
You let me out or I’m telling Mom!

In English, if I want to use an inclusive imperative—a command issued to myself as well as to you—I’m forced to use the construction let + us + base form of the verb (often contracted as let’s + verb):

Let’s go see the Doctor off.
Let us wish him well.

It’s really just a variation of the second-person imperative above, because I’m saying: “[You must] let us go see the Doctor off.”

IMPORTANT NOTE: Don’t forget the apostrophe! It’s let’s, not lets.
Tomorrow, we’ll talk about the subjunctive ... or will we?

Verb Tense Workshop: Future Tense Part II

2009-12-22T09:20:00.003-06:00

On with the fun! Yesterday we talked about simple future tense. Today, let's get flawless.

The Future Perfect
As you may have guessed from last week’s lessons, perfect doesn’t mean flawless in verb tenses—it means past. This odd marriage of future and past looks like this:

By the time I arrive at Mom’s house, the musicians will have gone home.

Note carefully the sequence of events here:

1. The musicians go home.
2. I arrive at Mom’s house.

But both of these events happen in the future, which is why we use the odd future perfect tense. But what if we said:

When I arrive at Mom’s house, the musicians go home.

This sounds like every time I go to Mom’s, the musicians immediately pack up their instruments and high-tail it out of there. The confusing bit, if you’re not a native English speaker or if you think about it too much, is that we use the present tense for the first part of our sentence—that event that happens last.

Sometimes the future perfect is used when a previous action is implied:

I will have eaten all the cookies before the concert.

Implied is “before the concert begins.”
Telling a Story in the Future

Future perfect also is handy when projecting a series of events into the future:

So you think you want to live in Paris, do you? Think about what will happen. You will go to the City of Light. You’ll find a little apartment on the left bank. You will spend your days browsing in Shakespeare & Company, writing sonnets in the shade at La Place des Vosges, and drinking apéritifs with pompous writers in an assortment of cute cafés. You will stay for a year, or two, or more, and then what? You will have wasted perhaps a decade being “happy.”

Notice that first you will do x, y, and z; then you look back on it all from even further ahead at what you will have done.

Guess what, grammar fans? I’m letting you off the hook this week—no quiz! School’s out! In fact, we’re all getting ready for a giddy week of overeating and gift-giving this coming week, so The LetterPress will return in full strength January 4. I may be unable to contain a peeve or two that I feel compelled to share, but other than that, I make no promises. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Verb Tense Workshop: Future Tense in English

2009-12-21T09:27:00.003-06:00

Here’s a big nose-thumbing to those who predicted I’d wimp out this week in favor of the Christmas rush. I live on the edge, people—and the blog does too. So Happy Winter Solstice (that’s today!), and let’s talk about the future.

The Simple Future
English forms the future tense very easily. Take the future form of the verb to be (which is will) and tack on the infinitive of the verb you’re working with:

You will shovel the snow this evening before the solstice party.
Tom and Ray will fix our car’s transmission tomorrow.

Adverbs sometimes go in between the auxiliary will and the verb, and sometimes after the phrase. It depends where you want the emphasis to go. For example:

I’m sure you will sing beautifully at the concert.

To say “You will beautifully sing” isn’t wrong, but when you listen to the music of the phrase, beautifully has a greater emphasis and works better after the verb phrase. Words like always, never, sometimes, generally, probably, and usually work better in between:

Ray will always do a fine job.
Tom will never be his equal.
The party will probably begin around midnight.

Convention dictates that words or phrases connected to time—early, late, at three o’clock, etc.—go after the verb phrase. The same is true of longer prepositional phrases:

Tom’s wife will arrive at five p.m.
The band will play after the guests have assembled.

Heavens, is that the time? Better get back to those Christmas cards. More about future tense tomorrow! Until then, the longest night awaits.

Hanukkah Holiday

2009-12-15T21:52:00.002-06:00

I know what some of you are thinking: I don't celebrate Hanukkah, so how can I, your resident grammar grump, claim to be dreidel-spinning when there's blogging to be done? Easy: It's a holiday; it's a nice one (festival of light--I love the imagery); and it gives me time to finish up the editing project I'm doing as well as the article I'm writing.

So you'll be returning to blogging next week, then? In that crazycrunch week before Christmas--the holiday that you do actually celebrate?

Snarky tone there, chums! Yes, most likely.

No promises?

Maybe you should spend less time ragging on overworked editors and retake some of the old grammar quizzes, there's a good lad. Or light a candle. Take a breath. Fill your lungs with icy air (it was 12 degrees this morning here in the American Midwest). Slow down. Light is good. Light is coming. That's what all this is about, you know--Diwali, Hanukkah, Christmas lights--it's all about our shy planet finally coming back round to bring the sunshine in. Once December 21st--that longest night--finally passes, the days start getting longer. While we hibernate through our long winter naps, the sky gets brighter until finally we're drowning in light.

Of course, this only applies to us northern hemisphere folks. But that's where I'm at. See you all next week.

Probably.

Well ... yeah.

Quiz #17: Past Tenses

2009-12-11T08:20:00.005-06:00

If we were of a Zen mind, we would concentrate on the Now. But this week at the LetterPress, we’re delving into the past as if we could change even a moment of it. Take a sneak peek at this week’s lessons here and here, then choose the right verb tense for the sentences below. Do your best; Santa is watching.

1. “Do you realize the Cratchits (move /moved / had moved) across town this year, sir?” asked the elfin chief.

2. “Are you certain, Smedley? They (always live / always lived / have always lived) in Camden Town,” said Santa.

3. “Not since Mr. Scrooge (is raising / raised / had raised) Cratchit’s salary,” Smedley replied. “Now they (have / had / had had) a sweet little flat in Notting Hill.”

4. Smedley’s assistant (adds / added / had added), “It’s right across from the travel bookshop—the one with the blue door. They (are buying / bought / had bought) it from that American film star married to the nebbishy British chap.”

5. “It would've been nice,” said Santa, pulling on his boots, “if someone (tells / told / had told) me all this before I (map / mapped / had mapped) out my route.”

ANSWERS

1. “Do you realize the Cratchits moved across town this year, sir?” asked the elfin chief.
The Cratchits moved; end of story.

2. “Are you certain, Smedley? They have always lived in Camden Town,” said Santa.
Santa is showing some skepticism here. By using the present perfect, he implies the Cratchits still live in Camden Town.

3. “Not since Mr. Scrooge raised Cratchit’s salary,” Smedley replied. “Now they have a sweet little flat in Notting Hill.”
Again, Scrooge raised Bob’s salary. This isn’t an ongoing event. The word now tells us that Smedley is speaking of the present day, so the present tense prevails.

4. Smedley’s assistant added, “It’s right across from the travel bookshop—the one with the blue door. They bought it from that American film star married to the nebbishy British chap.”
Because our whole story is set in past tense (“asked the elfin chief,” “said Santa,” etc.), it only makes sense that Smedley’s assistant’s comment takes place in the past. As for the Cratchits’ purchase, it’s over and done—simple past.

5. “It would've been nice,” said Santa, pulling on his boots, “if someone had told me all this before I mapped out my route.”
Two events: 1. Santa mapped out his route; 2. Smedley broke the news about the Cratchits. The first event gets the simple past; the second gets the past perfect.

Next week, get out your crystal ball and gaze into the future tense(s).

Verb Tense Workshop: The Past Perfect Tense

2009-12-10T09:29:00.002-06:00

English speakers love talking about the past. We talk about what happened yesterday; what had happened the day before; and what has happened at any time in the distant past. In this way, we convey not only very specifically when an event occurred but even the feelings we have about it.

The Present Perfect Tense
You don’t need to remember this term. The point to remember is when to use it. First, here’s what it looks like:

Henry Higgins has taught linguistics for many years.
We have seen My Fair Lady every night this week.

What does the writer convey when using the present perfect tense? Freddie Einsford-Hill says this:

I have often walked down this street before.

He phrases it this way because he’s walking down the street now, and he plans to stalk Eliza Doolittle until she calls the copper. See how he’s conveying not just tense but his feelings, his plans, and how walking down her street is close to his heart? By using the word before, he says:

I have often walked down this street before. [meaning: ...and I’m doing it again OR ... and I’ll keep doing it as long as I like]

That’s why this is called the present perfect tense. The reader understands that the action is still going on or is at least very close at hand. Consider:

Freddie walked down this street.

Take out our auxiliary verb have, and we’re left with the idea that Freddie used to walk down this street, or maybe he did so one time, but right now he’s not doing it. The simple past carries the idea of finality. It’s over and done.

The Past Perfect Tense
If you change the auxiliary/helping verb to its simple past tense form, something else happens:

Freddie had often walked down this street.

Now you’re framing these events against the backdrop of some other event. If you don’t tell us what that is, things get foggy. The sentence above is okay grammatically, but the reader inevitably wonders, before what? or until when? Usually such a sentence includes a second clause that uses the simple past:

Freddie had often walked down this street until Eliza obtained a restraining order.

Here’s the sequence of events:

1. Freddie made a habit of walking down Eliza’s street.
2. This went on continuously for some time.
3. Eliza got fed up and obtained a restraining order.

Freddie’s habit was ongoing (past perfect); Eliza’s action was decisive—a one-shot deal. The easy way to remember this is that the simple past is like a bomb going off—BOOM! It’s done.

Here’s another:

By the time we arrived at the party, Professor Higgins had already left.

1. Professor Higgins left the party.
2. We arrived at the party.

Writers often end up using this tense when describing a flashback:

Now living in the professor’s house, Eliza looked back with fondness at her days as a guttersnipe. How simple life had been! She had sold flowers on the street corner. She had worn her old ratty dress. No one had ordered her about; no one had forced her to sing about the rain in Spain. But no one had cared for her, either. In short, she had been alone.

But there’s no need for you to be alone! Come join us, lonely grammar lover, for a quiz-and-cakes party tomorrow. (By the way, you’re bringing the cakes.)

Verb Tense Workshop: The Past Tense

2009-12-09T08:25:00.002-06:00

Yes, blog readers, I did promise to begin the grueling verb tense workshop this week. Yes, a week generally is thought to begin on a Monday. Yes, it is fair to be sidetracked by the raucous hoopla surrounding one’s birthday (that was Monday). So what happened Tuesday? Recovery from raucous hoopla. Now: Let’s skate past the excuses get on with the verbs.
Tenses vs. Moods
Let’s be clear that our Verb Tense Workshop is not a Verb Mood Workshop. A verb’s tense shows the time in which an action or condition occurs. A verb’s mood is something else again, which I’ll describe at a later time. Here are some examples of different verb tenses:

Present Tense: I am reading a Charles Dickens story to get into the Christmas spirit.
Past Tense: I wrote a Christmas tale last December.
Future Tense: I will read two hundred books next year.

The Past Tense
This week, we’ll look at three different ways of expressing actions/conditions that occurred in the past: the simple past, the present perfect, and the past perfect tenses. (If present perfect doesn’t sound like a “past” tense, sit tight. We’ll get to it tomorrow.)

What most grammarians call “past tense” I like to clarify as “simple past tense,” to borrow a phrase from the French. Its function is to describe something that happened at a specific time prior to the present:

Three spirits visited Scrooge on Christmas Eve.

Note there is no auxiliary or “helping” verb added. It’s simple, straight, to the point. In your writing, always consider using this simple past tense first. Fewer words make stronger writing. For instance:

When I was a child, I would walk my dog every evening.

What is the function of would in the above example? “I would walk my dog”... if what? If my mother allowed me to? If the dog was in good health? Either you walked the dog or you didn’t. Say what you mean:

When I was a child, I walked my dog every evening.

The simple past doesn’t work in every instance, but as writers we should give it first refusal. It’s strong, decisive, and clear.
Tomorrow: Why our past should sometimes be perfect, or even present perfect.

Quiz #16: Capitals

2009-12-04T08:29:00.002-06:00

At last we come to the end of another fun-filled grammar extravaganza! For each question in today’s quiz, choose the option that is capitalized correctly. Need to cheat? Find your crib notes here for parts I, II, and III.
1.
(a) Jack Harkness isn’t a Captain at all; he’s a time agent from the distant future.
(b) Jack Harkness isn’t a Captain at all; he’s a time agent from the distant Future.
(c) Jack Harkness isn’t a captain at all; he’s a time agent from the distant future.

2.
(a) The human female swooned at his feet. “Oh, Captain, where have you been all my life?”
(b) The human female swooned at his feet. “Oh, captain, where have you been all my life?”
(a) The human Female swooned at his feet. “Oh, captain, where have you been all my life?”

3.
(a) Unlike the characters in Lost In Space, Captain Jack spends most of his time in Cardiff, the capital of Wales.
(b) Unlike the characters in Lost in Space, Captain Jack spends most of his time in Cardiff, the capital of Wales.
(b) Unlike the characters in Lost in Space, Captain Jack spends most of his time in Cardiff, the Capital of Wales.

4.
(a) He never seems to get to New England, though it’s lovely this time of year.
(b) He never seems to get to new England, though it’s lovely this time of year.
(a) He never seems to get to new england, though it’s lovely this time of year.

5.
(a) Captain Jack is the founder of Torchwood, a sometimes Secret Organization dedicated to fighting pesky invading aliens.
(b) Captain Jack is the Founder of Torchwood, a sometimes secret organization dedicated to fighting pesky invading Aliens.
(c) Captain Jack is the founder of Torchwood, a sometimes secret organization dedicated to fighting pesky invading aliens.

ANSWERS

1. (c) Jack Harkness isn’t a captain at all; he’s a time agent from the distant future.
We aren’t using captain as a substitute for Jack’s name, so no capital is needed. And I can’t think of a reason to cap future unless you’re trying to make some Big Important Point about it.

2. (a) The human female swooned at his feet. “Oh, Captain, where have you been all my life?”
Here our human female is talking directly to Jack, calling him Captain—hence the uppercase letter.

3. (b) Unlike the characters in Lost in Space, Captain Jack spends most of his time in Cardiff, the capital of Wales.
In is a preposition, so there’s no need to cap it in this title. Cardiff and Wales, as proper names, deserve uppercase letters, but the word capital doesn’t need any special treatment. When in doubt, lowercase—that seems to be the current trend.

4. (a) He never seems to get to New England, though it’s lovely this time of year.
New England is a distinct region of the United States. If we don’t cap new, it sounds like we’re talking about some refurbished bit of Britain. If we don’t cap anything, we’re simply being irresponsible.

5. (c) Captain Jack is the founder of Torchwood, a sometimes secret organization dedicated to fighting pesky invading aliens.
It’s tempting when discussing things like secret organizations to go cap crazy. Fight that urge, people. In most cases it will only look like you’re trying to make things sound more important than they are. Using the article a indicates that this is not the only sometimes secret organization—just a generic one of many.

One final note: A spell checker is virtually useless in the fight for better capitalization. When I spell-checked this blog entry, only england was noted as a problem. Caveat scriptor!

Get your action on! Next week we begin a grueling three weeks on verbs and their tenses.

Peeve of the Week: Affect/Effect

2009-12-03T05:00:00.000-06:00

Don’t worry, folks: All is forgiven. I’m not going to name names or point fingers at the perpetrators of this week’s Peeve. Let’s start from scratch and learn the difference between affect and effect.

Most commonly, when you’re using a noun, it will be effect. When you want a verb, it’s usually affect. But to be fair, I have to admit that both can be used two ways. Let’s start with the most common usage for both.

Affect: The Verb
To affect something is to act on it and change it somehow:

The weather affected her mood.
(It changed her mood, or at least influenced it in some way. It was sunny and that made her happy; or maybe it was rainy and that made her angry.)

It can also mean to touch or move someone emotionally—as in, to rouse affection:

His letter affected me deeply.

Effect: The Noun
An effect is a change brought about by something else.

I hope Dad’s lecture had the right effect on you.
Within minutes Angie felt the effects of the poisoned dart.
The actor’s soliloquy had an immediate effect on the audience.

It can also mean an impact or impression, as in special effects or

The whole street blazed with Christmas lights; the effect was spectacular.
Wanda paused for dramatic effect before announcing the murderer.

Here are the less common ways of using both words:

Affect: The Noun
This is the least common use of the four meanings we’ll discuss. A person’s affect is the outwardly demonstrated manifestation of his or her emotional state. Psychiatrists use this term a lot; how is a patient acting? What is her demeanor? Does she seem calm, happy, distressed, angry? What can we see on her face that reflects her emotions? That’s her affect.

Effect: The Verb
In this sense, effect means to bring about, to cause to come into being, or to accomplish:

Throughout his long career, the senator effected real change.

Now that I’ve got that off my chest, I must beg you to return and show your stuff at tomorrow’s quiz on capitals.

Capitals, Part III

2009-12-02T05:00:00.000-06:00

It may discourage my gentle readers to know that this capitalization discussion could rage on week after week. I won’t allow that, mostly for my own selfish ADD reasons. I’m trying to cover the main rules this week, but if you’d like an exhaustive discussion, best to consult a good style guide, depending on your preference. That said, a few final words on capital letters and when to use them:

In Titles of Works (“Headline Style”)
I’ve used some frightening scare quotes around “headline style” above because newspaper headlines don’t always abide by these rules. However, if you’re reading about books like War and Peace or The Professor and the Madman, you’ll notice not all the words in a title are capped. The same goes for heads or subheads you’ll see in magazine articles (like the one in boldface above). Here are the guidelines:

Capitalize the first and last word of every title or head.
Capitalize all the words in between except ...

Prepositions: of, in, at, on, with, under, over, etc.
(Many editors prefer that prepositions longer than 3 letters be capped anyway, just because it looks better)
Conjunctions: and, but, for, or
Articles: the, an, a

This is important: Not all “little” words are lowercased. It is a pronoun; pronouns are always capped. Ditto I and you, and verbs like is and was. Chicago advises: “Try reading the title aloud: If you would stress the word, capitalize it.” Here are some titles from my shelf:

Telling Lies for Fun and Profit
Of Human Bondage
A Prayer for Owen Meany
Zorba the Greek
Gone with the Wind
Time Was Soft There
The Temple of My Familiar
As I Lay Dying
The Pillars of the Earth

One further note: Don’t go by the way the title is printed on the book cover, CD, or listing in iTunes. Capitalization is applied willy-nilly in these cases for reasons of design (i.e., what looks pretty or impressive).
Caps for Emphasis
This practice seems a bit quaint now, but it still has its place. A couple of hundred years back, people capitalized whatever they wanted to in order to make a point. Often nouns were capped for no apparent reason; this was probably a holdover from our Teutonic roots (Germans cap all their nouns, from das Boot to die Bewahranstalt).

When our prose took a rather boring, virtually capless turn, children’s books picked up the slack, as in this excerpt from A. A. Milne’s Winnie-the-Pooh:

“Aha!” said Pooh. (Rum-tum-tiddle-um-tum.) “If I know anything about anything, that hole means Rabbit,” he said, “and Rabbit means Company,” he said, “and Company means Food and Listening-to-Me-Humming and such like....”

Fiction writers can still get away with such creativity, but journalists really can’t. Even novelists may find themselves arguing with editors who find the practice too precious. Defend your poetic license, if need be.

But What About ...?
If this week’s lesson has raised more questions than it’s answered, feel free to write a comment, an e-mail, or a tweet. I’ll be happy to answer all questions, mostly because I don’t have enough readers for that to be a big problem.

Tomorrow, another Peeve of the Week! And Friday is Quiz Day, as always.

Capitals, Part II

2009-12-01T05:00:00.000-06:00

Yesterday we discussed using capitals for names, titles, and the ever-popular beginning of the sentence. Now let’s address some hairier issues.

Place Names
We all know to capitalize Kenya, Italy, Los Angeles, Poland, Burma (aka Myanmar—why hasn’t that name stuck?). Names of cities, countries, mountains/mountain ranges, rivers, and oceans are always capped. Don’t capitalize the in examples like the Netherlands, the United States, the United Kingdom, etc. People who live in those countries, cities, etc. are also capitalized, as is the adjective describing them:

Scrooge detested British cooking, but Marley was fond of bangers and mash.
Nellie lived her entire life on the Atlantic coast.
I’d love a house on the Mediterranean Sea.
The Mediterranean diet includes olive oil and good red wine.
Our German neighbors make pfeffernusse every Christmas.
Many New Yorkers can be quite friendly.
The climb up Mount Everest is no walk in the park.

Regional Names
This is a bit sticky. What you might call “generic” directions of the compass are lowercased:

Bob Cratchit’s church was three miles north of his humble abode.
The wind is blowing from the south.

But when directions or regional names refer to particular places, they tend to be capped:

Though a lifelong resident of the Midwest, I adore vacationing on the East Coast.
(Refers to the United States, where these are regional distinctions, not just random names)
That rule may apply on the Continent, but in Britain we do things differently.
(Refers to Europe versus the UK)

You may well see, according to an editor’s preference, both western hemisphere and Western Hemisphere. Some of these names are capitalized by convention; others are left to the whim of the masses. If you’re unsure, consult The Chicago Manual of Style, 15/e, where section 8.50 lists a bunch of these. They don’t always make sense. (Why Midwest but midwesterner?) Some are listed in Webby as well, but the dictionary tends to waffle with that annoying phrase, “often capped.”

Nicknames or popular names are similarly treated:

Silicon Valley
New England (Rhode Island, Connecticut, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, Vermont, and Maine, in the U.S.)
the Windy City (Chicago)
the Lower East Side (in New York)
the South Side (in Chicago)
the Bible Belt
the Twin Cities (Minneapolis & St. Paul)
the Lake District (England)

More generic designations are lowercased. For instance, many metro areas have outer reaches called the suburbs, along with areas like the inner city, the business district, etc. Generally, uptown and downtown are lowercased too.

Utterly confused? Never fear! More murk on the morrow!

Making the Most of Capitals, Part I

2009-11-30T17:34:00.003-06:00

Capital letters—aka uppercase letters—are signposts along this murky, pothole-studded road of English grammar. They give us clues as to what’s important and why. This week we’ll talk about where to use capitals and where to let the little letters have their say.

Use capitals to ...

Start a Sentence
Remember this from first grade? Every sentence begins with a capital. Also, every new line of dialogue starts with a capital, even if it occurs in the middle of a sentence:

Scrooge scratched his head and said, “Why do spirits walk the earth? And why do they come to me?”

A complete sentence following a colon also warrants a capital letter:

Marley knew what to do: He would clank his chains so loud that Scrooge could not deny him.

Refer to a Proper Name
This one’s easy. Obviously, names like Tiny Tim, Charles Dickens, and Mother Teresa are capitalized. But be sure also to capitalize titles when they are used in place of a name:

My mother’s name is Martha—or is it Mary? Hey, Mom! What’s your name again?

Note that “my mother” is just someone you’re talking about. When you address her directly, you capitalize “Mom” because you’re using this title as her name. This is a point a lot of people either ignore or don’t understand, so I’ll give some more examples:

Ahab is the captain of this bucket.
Help, Captain! The ship is sinking!

Josephine’s dad was always telling her what to do.
“Quit picking on me, Dad,” said Josephine.

Robin Hood was worried he’d run into the sheriff.
“I think we ran him out of town, Sheriff,” said the deputy.

Distinguish a Title or Office ... Sometimes
Many may argue with this, but I’m just quoting The Chicago Manual of Style (15/e). In general, the Windy City manual tends to favor lowercasing where possible. The Associated Press adheres to this rule as well: Capitalize a title or office when it precedes a name; otherwise, lowercase it.

Barack Obama is the forty-fourth president of the United States.
The queen of England is not an elected official.
The chair recognizes the senator from Massachusetts.
Yesterday the general reviewed the troops.

In 2008, President Obama was elected.
Charles is the heir to Queen Elizabeth’s throne.
At last, Senator Smith was allowed to speak.
Yesterday General Patton reviewed the troops.

Tomorrow, more about caps, those lovable rapscallions.

Quiz #14: The Hyphen

2009-11-27T05:00:00.002-06:00

Review our three-part hyphen lesson here. And since you’ve got the day off, what else have you got to do but take a friendly quiz? Choose the correctly punctuated sentence for each question below. Then go make yourself a turkey sandwich. Someone’s gotta eat these leftovers.

1.
(a) Little Nellie was responsible for tending her family’s nicely stocked turkey pen.
(b) Little Nellie was responsible for tending her family’s nicely-stocked turkey-pen.
(c) Little Nellie was responsible for tending her family’s nicely-stocked turkey pen.

2.
(a) As the big day approached, Mother said, “Nellie, you may choose the main course for our fun filled holiday dinner.”
(b) As the big day approached, Mother said, “Nellie, you may choose the main course for our fun-filled holiday dinner.”
(c) As the big day approached, Mother said, “Nellie, you may choose the main- course for our fun filled holiday dinner.”

3.
(a) Nellie wandered around the yard, looking for the turkey that had fattened up the most.
(b) Nellie wandered around the yard, looking for the turkey that had fattened-up the most.
(a) Nellie wandered around the yard, looking for the turkey-that-had-fattened up the most.

4.
(a) Finally, she chose Rupert and had him shipped off to a South-African spa for captive birds.
(b) Finally, she chose Rupert and had him shipped-off to a South-African spa for captive birds.
(c) Finally, she chose Rupert and had him shipped off to a South African spa for captive birds.

5.
(a) Then Nellie announced to the family, “Tofurkey will make the best Thanks-giving dinner ever!”
(b) Then Nellie announced to the family, “Tofurkey will make the best Thanksgiving-dinner ever!”
(c) Then Nellie announced to the family, “Tofurkey will make the best Thanksgiving dinner ever!”

ANSWERS

1. (a) Little Nellie was responsible for tending her family’s nicely stocked turkey pen.
Remember, the –ly ending tells us we’ve got an adverb. No confusion = no hyphen. Turkey pen is an open compound noun, so no hyphen needed there, either.

2. (b) As the big day approached, Mother said, “Nellie, you may choose the main course for our fun-filled holiday dinner.”
This compound modifier comes before the noun, so the hyphen provides clarity for the reader. When a compound ends in –ed, like brown-eyed, fun-filled, or three-legged, a hyphen is standard unless the dictionary tells you the compound modifier is closed (like feebleminded).

3.
(a) Nellie wandered around the yard, looking for the turkey that had fattened up the most.
No need for a hyphen here. The modifier follows the noun, so the meaning is clear. If she had looked for a fattened-up turkey, the hyphen would be a good idea.

4.
(c) Finally, she chose Rupert and had him shipped off to a South African spa for captive birds.
Because South African is derived from a proper noun (and thus capitalized), it already looks like a unit and has no need of a hyphen.

5.
(c) Then Nellie announced to the family, “Tofurkey will make the best Thanksgiving dinner ever!”
Thanksgiving is a closed compound, and Thanksgiving dinner is an open compound noun—no hyphen needed.

I bet you think you know all about capitals (that’s uppercase letters, not major cities). So come back next week and yawn your way through lessons on what to capitalize and what not to. You’ll feel superior to everyone else.

Peeve of the Week: But I Read That Somewhere

2009-11-26T05:00:00.003-06:00

When I was in sixth grade, my English teacher handed back an essay of mine with a misspelling circled in red. Not being a fan of the red circle, I challenged her and insisted that I hadn’t misspelled the word in question. To prove my point, I brought a volume of Dickens from home and shoved it under her nose. There! Was she going to quibble with one of the giants of English literature?

She wasn’t. My error was judged to be an acceptable alternate spelling.

Of course, my alternate spelling—which was probably something British, archaic, or both, I don’t remember—was wrong. The fact that it was in print had nothing to do with that fact.

Today, I hear this whine from all corners of my acquaintance: “Are you sure this spelling/construction/whatever is wrong? ‘Cause I’ve seen it done this way—I read it somewhere.”

As I’ve said before, English is, to coin a word, bendy. More like a willow than an oak. More like a sponge than bone china. It bends with the times and soaks up bits from many other languages, just as it always has done and always shall do. Despite the fact that it’s all a bit dizzying and I have to keep buying updated dictionaries, I applaud this trend. I love our wonky witch’s cauldron of English fun.

But.

Our language is not a free-for-all. It may look like a five-year-old’s finger painting, but we do have rules. We need them. The fact that anyone with a laptop and an Internet connection can start a blog (cough, cough) and “publish” words has thrown this need into glaring perspective. Newspapers have cut their staffs to the point that overworked copy editors overlook basic gaffes that leave me saying “huh?” at the end of a garbled paragraph. E-mails and text messages resemble the Nazis’ Enigma code.

Result? Rampant misuse of scare quotes, dozens of exclamation points, apostrophes set willy-nilly, and the word doughnut misspelled almost universally as donut. (Might as well give up that fight. Even Webby concedes with a nearly audible sigh that donut is a variation of doughnut, and my research finds donut as an alternate spelling dating from the early twentieth century.)

Maybe the problem is that we don’t read enough of the good stuff. Text off the Internet is just not edited as stringently as The New Yorker—its forte is speed, not elegance. It’s easy to fall into lazy habits. I’ve done it myself. I have to remind myself that a Googled interview or headline should not comprise the bulk of my reading. So I’m here to remind you, too. Good books, journals, magazines—they still hire good writers. Garbage in, garbage out, as the computer programmers like to say. It’s true of your words as well as your code.

P.S. Happy Thanksgiving from your resident grammar grump. I am thankful for you all.

Using Hyphens: Part III

2009-11-25T05:00:00.000-06:00

If you feel like this hyphen discussion is dragging on all week, well, you're right. Visit Parts I and II to get the gist of where we’re going, then plow on.

We’ve said that compound modifiers that come before nouns should be hyphenated. Always true? Oh, if only! Here are some cases when that rule doesn’t apply:

No Hyphen: Compounds with –ly Adverbs
Remember, American editors like to drop a hyphen if it can be done without confusing the reader. For that reason, no hyphen is needed with –ly adverbs. The idea is that the –ly ending already screams “adverb!” and so no confusion will result if the hyphen is dropped:

a smartly dressed gentleman (or: a gentleman who is smartly dressed)
a beautifully sung aria (or: I’ve never heard an aria so beautifully sung)
a highly regarded citizen (or: a citizen who is highly regarded)

No Hyphen: Proper Nouns
Proper nouns are capitalized, so the modifier doesn’t need a hyphen to clarify matters:

a United States savings bond
the General Motors president
a Tony’s Pizzeria spokesman
a New York Yankees pitcher

The exception would be if two different proper nouns form a compound, as in:

a French-German accord
the Harvard-Yale game

Multiple Hyphens

Sometimes many hyphens together look a bit ridiculous:

Mother gave me her get-down-here-or-you’re-grounded look.

Instead, many writers would go with:

Mother gave me her “get down here or you’re grounded” look.

Either one is okay.

But suppose you wanted to write:

She couldn’t decide between a fifteen-year mortgage and a thirty-year mortgage.

If that seems too wordy, you might instead opt for:

She couldn’t decide between a fifteen- and a thirty-year mortgage.

Note the space after fifteen-. Here you’ve got no choice; otherwise you’ll be saying that the mortgage is somehow both fifteen years and thirty years, which makes no sense. The space lets the reader know that fifteen- is part of the -year compound, just as thirty- is.

You can use this construction even if the modifiers are closed (no hyphens):

The inspector found both over- and underworked men at the factory.

Enough hyphen talk for you? Me too. Tomorrow, the Peeve of the Week—followed by the ever-popular Friday quiz.

Using Hyphens: Part II

2009-11-24T05:00:00.000-06:00

Yesterday we introduced the hyphen discussion by focusing on compound nouns. Today, a trickier animal: the compound modifier.

A compound modifier is a descriptive that consists of more than one word. For example, you might know a friend who’s a high school teacher. She’s either a schoolteacher who’s smoked something funny or she’s a teacher of grades 9-12 (in the American system). Luckily, as just noted, schoolteacher is a closed compound, so the meaning is clear:

modifier: high school
noun modified: teacher

Sometimes the meaning isn’t clear, though:

Our school has many English loving students.

Does the school have many students who are English? Many who are loving? Many who love English? The construction of the sentence really answers that question—the school has many students who love English. Otherwise we’d probably have written, for the sake of clarity:

Our school has many loving English students.

But as writers, we don’t want readers to have to play detective if we can help it. So we write:

Our school has many English-loving students.

Problem solved.

Here are some other compound modifiers (red). The nouns they modify are in blue:

closed compounds
a feebleminded man
an overfed pigeon
a hardback book
worldwide acclaim

open/hyphenated
closed-circuit television
a brown-eyed girl
a South African song
a badly pressed suit

Closed Compound Modifiers
These are the easiest to use. My faithful Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate tells me that feebleminded is a closed compound; that’s how I spell it. (I don’t like it, mind you; somehow the suffix –minded got closed up over the years, and it feels wrong. But I try not to let it get to me. Once that door closes, as it were, it never opens again.)

Open or Hyphenated?
If your compound modifier is not closed, you have some decisions to make. A few hyphenated compounds are pretty much carved in stone, and again, consult your dictionary to see if this is the case. For instance, in the above example, closed-circuit television is hyphenated, per M-W. But what else is?

Hyphenated: Those That Occur Before the Noun.
Most editors like to avoid confusion by hyphenating compounds that occur directly before a noun:
a one-hit wonder
fat-free ice cream
a fact-based story
a blue-green sea
a minor-league player
a low-flying bird

Open: Those That Follow a Noun
However, if the modifier comes after the noun, editors figure no one will be confused. So they drop the hyphen:

The bird was low flying.
She was hard pressed to tell the truth.
That player is only minor league.
The story is fact based.
I don’t think that ice cream is fat free.

Many editors elect to banish hyphens whenever doing so won’t confuse the reader. It makes for a cleaner-looking page. Most have in-house style guides that dictate which compounds should always be hyphenated when preceding a noun. Has some grammar god(dess) dictated what these are? In most cases, no. These are rules of clarity and convenience, not law.

Tomorrow, just a few more words on hyphens. Honest. Then it will all be over—until quiz time.

Using Hyphens: Part I

2009-11-23T05:00:00.001-06:00

The hyphen is one of the stickier punctuation marks to grace our graceful language, if only because the rules change so often. First of all, some basics:

A Hyphen Is Not a Dash.

A hyphen links two words together to form a compound noun or adjective:

an English-speaking country
a left-handed compliment
a wash-and-wear sweater
a gate-crasher
dancing the fox-trot

A dash does not link words but rather interrupts the flow of a sentence, sometimes to add an aside:

The Pilgrims would have suffered—even died—without the aid of their Native American friends.

Note that the dash is physically longer than a hyphen (it's also called an em dash). Check out this post for more about the dash.

Not All Compound Nouns Are Hyphenated.

Hyphens and compounds go together. Compound nouns come in three varieties:

open: high school, band member, rock star
hyphenated: mother-in-law, cross-examination, crack-up
closed: moonlight, halfwit, bookshelf

Generally, English nouns are increasingly closed. Pick up a book published in the early 1900s and you’ll find more hyphenated words than you will in a book with a 2009 copyright. Even words like today and tomorrow were hyphenated in Dickens’s day. As a noun becomes more commonly used and is known primarily by its compound form, it tends to lose the hyphen.

So How Do We Know How to Spell Them?

Here’s a novel idea: Use your dictionary. I’m not trying to be snarky here. Hyphenated nouns are so fluid and changeable that I constantly have to look them up. One dictionary often will list a compound as hyphenated while another will not. I use the Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary, 11/ed, but only because that’s what most U.S. publishers prefer. (The website is even easier to use.) Even so, publishing houses often have their own style guides that refute M-W because some chief editor doesn’t like hyphenating fox-trot. (Before writing this post, I could’ve sworn it was spelled foxtrot.) As in so many other cases, you’ll need to pick your source and try to stay consistent within your own writing. If your teacher or editor has a preferred style or style guide, go with it. It’s just a hyphen, after all.

Think we’re done with hyphens? Bwa-ha-ha ... no way. The sticky world of adjective compounds is up tomorrow. You’re not off the hyphen hook yet.

Quiz #13: The Semicolon

2009-11-20T05:00:00.000-06:00

Are semicolons used correctly below? If not, correct the sentence. Eyes on your own paper, please. And yes, I suppose if your browser supports an open-note test, feel free. Review here.

1. Bertie Wooster was not above a bracing drink before noon, however, Jeeves did his best to dissuade him.

2. At half five, Wooster felt entitled to order a gin and tonic; a Harvey Wallbanger; a double martini, very dry, with two olives; and a rye whiskey, straight up, for his friends.

3. “I am well aware that these libations are for you alone, sir, therefore I feel it is my duty to restrict you to one of the above,” said Jeeves.

4. “Right ho, Jeeves old man,” Bertie replied. “Let’s make it the Wallbanger, shall we? And bring some extra ice; I might surprise you and water it down.”

5. Privately, Jeeves believed Wooster would sooner water his club chair than a Wallbanger however he brought the ice as directed.

ANSWERS

1. Bertie Wooster was not above a bracing drink before noon; however, Jeeves did his best to dissuade him.
The semicolon neatly divides our independent clauses and places the adverb where it belongs. It could also have gone after however, like this:

Bertie Wooster was not above a bracing drink before noon, however; Jeeves did his best to dissuade him.

If you favor the second example, you’d expect some previous sentence to lead into it, like this:

It is generally accepted that alcohol is a poor choice of beverage at breakfast. Bertie Wooster was not above a bracing drink before noon, however; Jeeves did his best to dissuade him.

2. At half five, Wooster felt entitled to order a gin and tonic; a Harvey Wallbanger; a double martini, very dry, with two olives; and a rye whiskey, straight up, for his friends.
Very good as is. Commas are already littered about this series, making the sentence hard to read without some sturdy semicolons.

3. “I am well aware that these libations are for you alone, sir; therefore I feel it is my duty to restrict you to one of the above,” said Jeeves.
Jeeves’s therefore needs a semicolon before it to prevent a run-on sentence.

4. “Right ho, Jeeves old man,” Bertie replied. “Let’s make it the Wallbanger, shall we? And bring some extra ice; I might surprise you and water it down.”
Well spoken, Bertie. The semicolon separates two independent clauses.

5. Privately, Jeeves believed Wooster would sooner water his club chair than a Wallbanger; however, he brought the ice as directed.
As in #3 and #1, Jeeves needs a semicolon before his adverb. We know he’d get it right if he were writing it.

Ever wonder why we hyphenate? Do we hyper-hyphenate? Next week it’s all about hyphens—those funny little blips in between words.

Peeve of the Week: There Is / Are

2009-11-19T05:00:00.001-06:00

This week’s peeve is a double. One has to do with my own quirk of misusing the phrase “there is”—genuine grammar gaffe. The other is more of a stylistic peeve—the idea that we shouldn’t be using this phrase at all.

First off, the gaffe. Again, this is Hubby’s peeve, not mine, because I’m the one who forgets this all the time: There is... applies to the singular; there are ... applies to the plural. Examples:

There is the Doctor’s TARDIS parked next to that utility pole.
There are many places the Doctor has never visited.

There is ... is also used with measures of volume:

There is much that needs explaining.

Simple enough, right? Well, your local grammar guru tends to say “there is” for just about everything, regardless of the number. It’s oral laziness. (In writing, I do much better, though I still have to watch it.) Don’t follow in my footsteps or you’ll irritate Hubby (that’s mine—yours might not give a hairy rat’s behind).

But that being said, how have we gotten into this lazy “there is/are” habit? Have you ever heard/read someone say/write:

There are a lot of cars on the road today.
There were hundreds of people at the concert.

Why? It’s just another form of passive voice, which we’ve discussed before. “There is” rarely contributes anything to the conversation. Consider these alternatives:

The Doctor’s TARDIS is parked next to that utility pole.
Much needs explaining.
A lot of cars are on the road today.
Hundreds of people attended the concert.

Notice I didn’t rewrite this example:

There are many places the Doctor hasn’t yet visited.

In this case, the emphasis is on “many places”; if you try this, the meaning is lost:

The Doctor hasn’t visited many places.

It sounds like he hasn’t been anywhere, when in fact he has, and we only wish to emphasize that he still has a ways to go because the universe is pretty extensive.

There is/are has its place. Just make sure you’ve worked to make your sentences as active and strong as they can be, and eliminate lazy writing.

P.S. What’s all this about a Doctor (capital D?) and the universe? If you’re American, you may well wonder. Whoosh on over here for the scoop on this classic British sci-fi show.

I assume you’re not spending all your time on the web when you could be studying for your semicolon quiz tomorrow.

The Semicolon: Part II

2009-11-18T05:00:00.000-06:00

Yesterday’s post discussed the basic rules of semicolon use. But the fun’s not over yet. Here are some more words of wisdom about where and how to use it:

In Place of the Serial Comma

We’ve talked before about the serial (aka Oxford) comma. A semicolon should be used instead of the comma in a series if the items listed are complex and have their own punctuation:

Roo brought Tigger, his best friend; Pooh, another friend; and Kanga, his mother, to the picnic.

Using semicolons above makes it clear that Tigger is Roo’s best friend. Compare:

Roo brought Tigger, his best friend, Pooh, another friend, and Kanga, his mother, to the picnic.

How many people—er, creatures—is Roo bringing? Maybe five:

(1) Tigger
(2) his best friend (whose best friend, anyway?)
(3) Pooh
(4) another friend
(5) Kanga, his mother

The semicolon helps you avoid a muddled mess like this.

Prevent a Run-On Sentence

Take a look at this painful sentence:

The heffalump could have danced all night, however, when Pooh’s dream was finished, the creature reluctantly retired.

Here we have two ideas:

(1) The heffalump could have danced all night.
(2) When Pooh’s dream was finished, the creature reluctantly retired.

The writer wishes to link these two ideas with an adverb: however. The trouble is that when the writer links them with a comma, the nasty run-on sentence results. We can’t tell if the however belongs with the first idea or the second. The problem can be solved one of two ways:

The heffalump could have danced all night. However, when Pooh’s dream was finished, the creature reluctantly retired.

The heffalump could have danced all night; however, when Pooh’s dream was finished, the creature reluctantly retired.

It depends on the rhythm the writer wants to convey. The semicolon can save the day just as easily as the period. Here are some other adverbs that, when linking two independent (that is, stand-alone) clauses, need a semicolon’s help:

then
thus
hence
indeed
accordingly
besides

That being said, is this okay?

Pooh gaped at the flood, then jumped in his umbrella and used it as a boat.

Yes it is. Note that the two clauses are NOT independent; the first one has a subject and a verb, but the second only has a verb:

(1) Pooh gaped at the flood.
(2) Jumped in his umbrella and used it as a boat.

In this case, use the comma, not a semicolon.

Tomorrow: Back to being peevy. Hubby once again complains about my grammar, but as always, I get the last word.

Using Quote Marks in Dialogue

2009-11-17T11:24:00.006-06:00

Thanks to Julie for requesting a post on correctly punctuating dialogue in fiction. We've talked before both about quotation marks and commas, but not directly about dialogue itself.

I'd love to get all grammar nazi on you and say there is only one way to correctly write/punctuate dialogue in fiction, but that would be ... ouch ... wrong. Fiction writers, being quirky creative types, tend to do whatever they like and then cry to their editors that their way is fine because of some nonsense called "poetic license." I sound grumpy, but I do believe that writers can and should bend the rules to suit their novel's feel and tone.

That said, here's how it's usually done. (Really, this system works very well. Readers get it right away.)

1. Change Paragraphs With Each New Speaker.

This not only makes it clear that someone new is talking but also gives the reader's eyes a break. It also alerts a reader quickly that we have a back-and-forth conversation going on, not a monologue. (Paragraphs should be indented, not block style, but I can't seem to make Blogger do what I want in that regard.)

"Where have you gone, Joe DiMaggio?" mourned the baseball fan.

"Joltin' Joe has left and gone away," said Mrs. Robinson.

"But why?"

"His batting arm gave out, and doing commercials for Mr. Coffee pays very nicely."

"So he's still around, then?" the fan asked tearfully.

"Well, no. He passed away several years ago, dear." Mrs. Robinson passed her a cupcake. "Have one. They're from my own pantry."

2. Use Quotation Marks, Not Dashes.

A few American writers like to use dashes, or even nothing at all, to distinguish speech:

--Where have you gone, Joe DiMaggio? mourned the baseball fan.
--Joltin' Joe has left and gone away, said Mrs. Robinson.

You'll see this often in French novels. But the overwhelming convention in the U.S. is to use quotation marks. They work, they're clear, and everyone knows what they mean.

3. Repeat the Opening Quote Marks in the Next Paragraph if the Speaker Doesn't Change.

If a character makes a long-winded speech, and a paragraph change is needed, don't close the quotation marks. The reader will think the character is finished speaking. DO repeat the opening quote marks; that way the reader remembers someone is still talking:

"I lived a long and happy life before DiMaggio left the Yankees. Every Sunday Dad and I would head out to the park, and ... [blah blah blah]. When he left, it changed my life forever.

"Still, the coffeemaker commercials gave me hope. I bought a Mr. Coffee because Joe trusted it, and I trusted Joe." The fan bit into her cupcake. "Thanks so much for the comforting confection, Mrs. Robinson."

4. Keep Punctuation Inside the Quote Marks.

Commas, question marks, exclamation points, and periods all belong inside the quote marks. The exception is if the question mark or exclamation point isn't part of the quote itself. This rule is often ignored. I need to write a peeve of the week about it.

"If only I could turn back time!" cried the baseball fan.
"Is that really necessary?" asked Mrs. Robinson.

Which is correct: "I ain't got no money" or "I ain't got any money"?
If you want people to smoke, why did you hang up a sign that says "No Smoking"?

Hope this helps, Julie! And thanks for asking.

The Semicolon: Part I

2009-11-17T09:45:00.003-06:00

When I took not one but two weeks off the grammar blog, I didn’t exactly receive bucketfuls of emails inquiring about my health, nor dire pleadings to return to my desk. It gives a person pause to think one is spouting words into the ether, but so be it. I am back on the task, and that’s all that matters.

This week, let’s look at semicolons, those spineless punctuation marks that we use when we don’t feel up to committing to a period, yet we need more pause than a comma affords. Here’s the basic scoop:

Use a Semicolon to Separate Independent Clauses

These days a semicolon is used like a polite period. Instead of saying, “Hey! STOP!” (and sounding abrupt), you’re saying, “Take a break; slow down.” Compare these examples:

Pooh loved Christopher Robin; the boy was always kind to him.

Pooh loved Christopher Robin. The boy was always kind to him.

Both are punctuated correctly, but the first example says, “Pause at the semicolon. Consider for a moment why Pooh loves this kid who drags him down the stairs and bumps his head on each step. Thinking about it? Okay. Now we’ll tell you: The boy was always kind to him.” A semicolon tells you that we’re easing into the next thought, but more important, the two thoughts are connected.

You might draw the conclusion that the thoughts are connected if you read a period between the two, but the period doesn’t imply that connection. The semicolon does.

Often, a writer uses a semicolon because she wants to keep a thought flowing, but she’s run out of breath, as it were:

Of all the animals in the Hundred Acre Wood, Kanga was the only responsible parent; it must have been exhausting to try and keep Tigger and the rest in line.

If one or both of the clauses includes other punctuation, a semicolon helps clarify things:

Piglet, unlike most of his species, likes a tidy home; but Pooh doesn’t care a fig for tidiness.

(It would be okay to use a comma in place of the semicolon above, but the semicolon gives the reader a break and helps avoid confusion.)

More semicolon talk tomorrow! (Yes, believe it or not, there’s more to say on this topic.) And yes, even in the face of overwhelming indifference, I'm posting a quiz on Friday. Be there.

The Great Pumpkins

2009-11-02T18:26:00.004-06:00

Okay, yes, feeling oogy, but still must brag. This has nothing to do with grammar or syntax or words at all, really--it's all about wielding a wicked pumpkin knife. If you haven't noticed I'm a fan of the TV cult hit Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1997-2003), then you haven't read much of this blog. In honor of Buffy and her sometime-nemesis, sometime-love interest (and always sexy and funny) vampire friend Spike, I carved these:

If you love cool pumpkin patterns, log on to Zombie Pumpkins and buy a few.

Feeling Oogy

2009-11-02T18:21:00.003-06:00

Grammar fans, you must know I'm not at my best when I use words like oogy. I'm posting a quick update to let you know that I am in fact alive but not at my very best. I may get to the lesson on semicolons this week or I may nurse my oogy-feeling head. But rest assured semicolons are in the offing.

Quiz #12: Using Colons Correctly

2009-10-30T05:00:00.002-05:00

How weary your LetterPress blogger has become of the colon-cleansing ads on this site! Thus is the price of monetizing the blog. My apologies if you’re not looking forward to your next colonoscopy. On a happier note (no, really), how about a grammar quiz? For each sentence below, choose the option that uses the colon correctly.

1.
(a) Bella knew about Edward: He was a vampire, and she was hopelessly besotted with him.
(b) Bella knew two things about Edward: He was a vampire, and she was hopelessly besotted with him.
(c) Bella knew: two things about Edward, he was a vampire, and she was hopelessly besotted with him.

2.
(a) Bella fainted when Edward kissed her he was just that gorgeous.
(b) Bella fainted when Edward kissed her: He was just that gorgeous.
(c) Bella fainted when Edward kissed her. He was just that gorgeous.

3.
(a) The Cullens lived in the Pacific Northwest for the following reasons: It rained a lot, and the hunting was good.
(b) The Cullens lived in the Pacific Northwest for the following: reasons it rained a lot, and the hunting was good.
(c) The Cullens lived in the Pacific Northwest: It rained a lot, and the hunting was good.

4.
(a) Edward’s plan: seemed flawless. His family would hide Bella until he was able to kill the bad vamps who were after her.
(b) Edward’s plan seemed flawless: His family would hide Bella until he was able to kill the bad vamps who were after her.
(c) Edward’s plan seemed flawless. His family would hide Bella: until he was able to kill the bad vamps who were after her.

5.
(a) Bella didn’t care how overwritten the first two-thirds of her book was: She was ready for action when the climax came.
(b) Bella didn’t care how overwritten the first two-thirds of her book was. She was ready for action when the climax came.
(c) Bella didn’t care: how overwritten the first two-thirds of her book was, she was ready for action when the climax came.

ANSWERS

1. (b) Bella knew two things about Edward: He was a vampire, and she was hopelessly besotted with him.

The words “two things” tell us we’re about to get a list. Colons love lists, and they belong in front of them. Sentence (b) doesn’t set up a list; the structure is missing, and the syntax is wonky too. Sentence (c) misplaces the colon altogether.

2. (b) Edward was incredibly gorgeous: Bella fainted when he kissed her.

This one is iffy. If I had my druthers, I’d go with a period as in sentence (c). But you could argue that the fact that Bella fainted augments or explains Edward’s good looks. Sentence (b) uses the colon correctly, but is a little more standoffish, even a tad formal. Breaking the sentence in two gives it a more clipped, just-the-facts-ma’am kind of feeling. It’s your call. Sentence (a), however, is a run-on sentence, and that just won’t fly—even with batwings.

3. (a) The Cullens lived in the Pacific Northwest for the following reasons: It rained a lot, and the hunting was good.

The following ___ is a big flag saying, “Put a colon here!” Sentence (b) doesn’t make sense because the colon brings the reader to a stop, and the next phrase is nonsense. Sentence (c) might have been okay in the 19th century, but these days, we don’t throw colons around quite so arbitrarily.

4. (b) Edward’s plan seemed flawless: His family would hide Bella until he was able to kill the bad vamps who were after her.

Again, (a) makes no sense. And while (c) is perfectly fine, I think the colon wins out in this example. The sentence following the colon makes it clear what Edward’s plan is. It serves the explanatory function.

5. (b) Bella didn’t care how overwritten the first two-thirds of her book was. She was ready for action when the climax came.

Here, I’d forget about the colon altogether. These two thoughts are sequential; one doesn’t augment the other. And yes, Twilight fans, I really do think the first two-thirds of the book was overwritten. So stake me already.

Ready to rumble with semicolons next week? Bonus: The Google ads will probably be better!

Peeve of the Week: Climatic vs. Climactic

2009-10-29T05:00:00.000-05:00

I’ll make this short and sweet. There’s no such word as anticlimatic.

Okay, I guess there could be. But what would it mean? The word climatic refers to climate—as in, the weather of a particular region.

Seattle’s climatic conditions make it difficult to schedule a picnic.

Climactic—note the interior c—refers to climax, as in the highest point of dramatic tension or, well, any other sort. Never mind—we won’t go there.

The commercial interrupted the climactic scene of the movie.

And back to the word anticlimatic, which would mean—what? antiweather? I’m not sure I know of anyone who is anticlimatic, but the word anticlimactic (again, interior c) refers to something that should have been really exciting but turned out to be a big letdown.

After the high stakes of the blackjack tables, our midnight penny-ante game must have seemed anticlimactic.

But enough of my ranting. You have studying to do. What, did you forget already? Colon quiz tomorrow! Bring your no. 2 pencil!

The Colon II

2009-10-27T05:00:00.004-05:00

Yesterday we discussed the most recognizable functions of the colon: to clarify, amplify, or to introduce a list. Here are a few miscellaneous uses.

Other Uses
Everyone’s familiar with the colon as used in a URL (Internet address). Otherwise, you wouldn’t have found The LetterPress, which can be accessed at

http://www.ClairesLetterPress.blogspot.com

In a play or film script, the author uses colons to distinguish the character from his or her speech.

SPIKE (to BUFFY): I’ve got to hand it to you, Goldilocks—you do have bleeding tragic taste in men.

As Follows
After as follows or the following, a colon is conventional:

Soldier, your orders are as follows: Find the fugitives and neutralize them.
Marcie brought the following to the party: three bottles of soda, numerous paper cups, and a bag of ice.
I believe the princess said the following: “Get out of my way and nobody gets hurt.”

Dialogue
Occasionally, a colon will precede a bit of dialogue. This usually falls under the above (after the following) or under the colon-as-amplifier function.

Mother was very firm: “No one will be going out tonight. You’re all grounded.”

Formal Correspondence
When addressing a letter (or even an e-mail) to an unknown person or in a formal business situation, use the colon.

To Whom It May Concern:
I am writing in regard to your advertisement requesting the services of a vampire slayer. Though I am currently unemployed, my résumé is flawless ...

Dear Madame:
Thank you for your recent interest in the vampire slayer position. We would like to schedule an interview with you at your earliest convenience ...

If colon use is still murky as a cemetery at midnight to you, leave a comment or question. I'll do my best to clarify things.

How to Use (not Abuse) the Colon

2009-10-26T05:00:00.002-05:00

Once upon a time, the colon ( : ) was used for all sorts of things. These days, its role has been reduced. Let’s look at the most common ways to use the colon and where it definitely should be abstained from.

In Front of a List

This is the colon's most straightforward function. Note that when we introduce the list, we don’t put a verb just before the colon.

Giselle wore four things to her wedding: something old, somethng new, something borrowed, and something blue.
Prince Edward needed to do three things: jump into the wishing well, find Giselle, and bring her back to Andalasia with him.

WRONG:

Prince Edward needed to: jump into the wishing well, find Giselle, and bring her back to Andalasia with him.

To Amplify or Explain the Preceding Phrase

Here, colon use is considerably more murky. This use is much less common today than in centuries past, but occasionally one still sees it. For example:

The queen had an excellent plan: She would kill Giselle herself and remain queen forever.
Nathaniel would do anything to help Her Majesty: He was hopelessly in love with her, and he rather detested himself.

In the above examples, you might see a dash instead of a colon, or (per the author’s choice) perhaps a period and a new sentence.

The queen had an excellent plan—she would kill Giselle herself and remain queen forever.

Note that if the dash is used, the next phrase is not capitalized.

Again, as is the case with commas, the choice of using a colon or dash—or neither—is largely a matter of the author’s voice and the “music” of the words. A colon is more formal and indicates a stronger pause than a dash. A period, of course, is an even stronger pause, but some nuance may be lost if the reader isn’t shown that a clarification or list is to follow. The colon alerts the reader that this is the case.

Come back tomorrow for a further exploration of the colon and what it’s good for. (Don’t worry, we won’t need a camera.)

Quiz #11: Quotation Marks

2009-10-23T10:19:00.000-05:00

I’ve been blabbing on all week about quotation marks and what they’re good for. Back up a few posts to get the gist of the lesson, then add the quote marks below where you see fit.

1. I’m sorry for being late to chapel, Reverend Mother, said Maria.

2. Sister Margaretta says you have curlers in your hair, Reverend Mother said.

3. That’s only because Captain Von Trapp loves curly hair! Maria protested. I’ve taught the children how to sing The Lonely Goatherd. It’s a beautiful song, she continued.

4. Yes, the baroness told me that the children have lovely voices, Reverend Mother said. In fact, her exact words were, The Captain is in love with Maria, she went on.

5. I wish the baroness would stay out of my affairs, Maria muttered. But when I told her to leave me alone, she only said, You know he loves you, my dear!

ANSWERS

1. “I’m sorry for being late to chapel, Reverend Mother,” said Maria.

A simple case of direct speech. Nothing special.

2. “Sister Margaretta says you have curlers in your hair,” Reverend Mother said.

3. “That’s only because Captain Von Trapp loves curly hair!” Maria protested. “I’ve taught the children how to sing ‘The Lonely Goatherd.’ It’s a beautiful song,” she continued.

Note that the song title is in single quotes because it falls within Maria’s speech.

4. “Yes, the baroness told me that the children have lovely voices,” Reverend Mother said. “But she also said, ‘The Captain is in love with Maria,’” she went on.

...that the children have lovely voices: This isn’t a direct quote; Rev Ma may be paraphrasing here. But then she tells Maria the baroness’s exact words. If this quote had been indirect, Rev Ma might have said: “She also said that the captain is in love with you.”

5. “I wish the baroness would stay out of my affairs,” Maria muttered. “But when I told her to leave me alone, she only said, ‘You’d better run along to the nunnery, my dear!’”

Again, a quote within a quote. Here in the U.S., that means single quotes within double quotes.

Next week: How to use (not clean) a colon. No anesthesia needed.

What Quote Marks Are Really For: Part III

2009-10-22T05:00:00.001-05:00

Those of you who tuned in yesterday probably think I was kidding about scare quotes. Not so! Think of them as the Attack of the Unnecessary Quote Marks. Picture them ballooning up to the size of skyscrapers, bludgeoning us with their tails. ** Shudder **

So what are scare quotes?

You might know them better as air quotes. Everyone seems to know how to use these. Maybe you’re at your maiden aunt’s house and she mixes you a nice cup of Sanka (that’s old-fashioned decaf, and it was sucky, youngsters). Then she pours a little extra hot water into it so it won’t be too strong for you, then hands you some generic powdered creamer and a packet of Sweet ‘n’ Low. You might say:

Gee, Aunt Ida, thanks for the “coffee.”

Why put the coffee in quotes? Because you’re being just a bit snarky. Sarcastic. Ironic. What you really mean is, “Thanks for this watery sludge that you seem to think is the same as I get at Starbucks. Guess what? It ain’t.”

Important Point: Scare Quotes Aren’t for Emphasis

Signage all over the place seems to have the misplaced notion that quotes can be used to emphasize something. Instead of using ALL CAPS or underlining or bold type, or even ALL THREE, they use quotes. It looks something like this:

“BANANAS” ON SALE TODAY! 10 CENTS A POUND!

What that sign really says is, “We’ve got some manner of fruit on sale today. Really, it’s gotten so brown and putrid that we have no idea what it is. Maybe it resembles a banana.”

To get a good feel for the ubiquity of badly placed scare quotes, check out The “Blog” of “Unnecessary” Quotation Marks.

Mongo quiz tomorrow on all things quotable! I’m sure you’ll “study” tonight.

What Quotation Marks Are Really For: Part II

2009-10-21T08:57:00.001-05:00

In Part I of this week’s lesson, we talked about using quotation marks for dialogue. Simple, straightforward stuff. But you’ve probably noticed quote marks all over the place that have nothing to do with people yapping at one another. What gives?

We often use quote marks to set off the title of a story or song. That way, the reader knows exactly what the title is and won’t confuse it with the rest of the sentence. For guidance, I again point to the venerable Chicago Manual of Style, 15/e. With all due respect to the Associated Press, most book publishers like to use quotation marks to enclose the titles of short works. They use italics for long works.

By short, we mean:

poems (not epic poems)
short stories (not novels or novellas)
newspaper or other periodical articles (not the title of the periodical itself)
songs (not CDs)
TV episodes (but not the whole series)

So, for example:

“The Raven” is Emily’s favorite Edgar Allan Poe poem.

Tonight’s homework is to read Stephen King’s “Home Delivery” from the Nightmares & Dreamscapes collection.

The feature article in this month’s issue of Horrors is “Ten Tips for Avoiding Zombies.”

The best song from the film’s soundtrack is “Monster Mash.”

The episode “Hush” earned Buffy the Vampire Slayer an Emmy nomination in its fourth season.

English composition classes usually teach this style as well. (For handwritten essays, underlining takes the place of italics.)

AP Style

The Associated Press Stylebook (used primarily by publishers of periodicals) prefers to use quote marks for short and long works, except for “the Bible and books that are primarily catalogs of reference material,” e.g., dictionaries, almanacs, encyclopedias, and the like. AP uses italics for those titles. Personally, I like distinguishing between long and short works, but that’s just me.

Other Styles

If you write academic books or articles, your bibliography or Notes section will likely feature some variation on the above—maybe the American Psychological Association (APA) style or the Modern Language Association (MLA) style. Citations can be handled many different ways, and again, consistency is the key. Follow the preferred style for your publication or discipline. (Yes—even if it chafes.)

Tomorrow—appropriately enough, on Thursday, when I usually pen my Peeve of the Week—we’ll talk about “scare” quotes. Get out your wooden stakes, crosses, garlic, and silver bullets—it’s spooky stuff.

What Quotation Marks Are Really For: Part I

2009-10-19T21:34:00.000-05:00

It’s with a heavy heart I even contemplate addressing this topic. But as Matron of The LetterPress, I suppose it’s my duty. Let’s try and get this in one week’s lesson (though it will stretch over more than one day). First of all, the basics.

Quotation marks are, first and foremost, dialogue markers. They enclose speech. While every once in awhile (and more often in French novels), the dash can set off spoken words, in this part of the world, we typically use quotation marks, thus:

“Oh, do get over yourself, Mr. Darcy,” said Elizabeth.

In the U.S., the convention is to use double quotes for a single speaker. If that seems contradictory, well, it is. In the U.K., the above would be written like this:

‘Oh, do get over yourself, Mr. Darcy,’ said Elizabeth.

Moral: Know which side of the pond you’re on and punctuate accordingly.

Again speaking of American usage, we use single quotes within double quotes to show that our Elizabeth is actually quoting someone else (hence, there are two speakers):

“My sister Jane is always saying, ‘You’re far too good for him.’ I don’t know why I haven’t listened,” Elizabeth continued.

(As you might imagine, the Brits use the double quotes inside the single quotes for this purpose.)

Note that Elizabeth is quoting her sister directly. She’s reciting exactly what Jane said to her. If she’s paraphrasing (sometimes indicated by use of the word that), the single quotes are dropped:

“My sister Jane is always saying that I’m far too good for you. I don’t know why I haven’t listened,” Elizabeth continued.

Quotation marks have other uses that we will discuss tomorrow, so tune in again. We’ll be right back after these messages.

Quiz #10: Commas in Dialogue

2009-10-16T09:56:00.004-05:00

It’s been far too quiet a week on The LetterPress. My apologies—lots of writing to get done. But that doesn’t excuse you from this week’s quiz. Check out how to use commas in dialogue, and then test your knowledge here. Place commas where they belong in this heartbreaking conversation:

1. “I don’t know what you’re talking about” said Guinevere. “I was in the castle all last night.”

2. “Your lady-in-waiting said your bed was cold this morning” Arthur said.

3. “You’d know all about that” Guinevere shot back.

4. “Where was Lancelot last night?” countered Arthur.

5. “Where do you think? On that stupid quest of yours.” Guinevere started to cry. Arthur handed her a handkerchief. “There, there. Many a knight has returned from that dragon’s lair with nothing more than a missing arm or leg to show for it” Arthur said soothingly.

ANSWERS

1. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” said Guinevere. “I was in the castle all last night.”
Guin makes a simple statement, but we can’t use a period because the sentence continues with said Guinevere. Hence, a comma—inside the quotation marks.

2. “Your lady-in-waiting said your bed was cold this morning,” Arthur said.
Same story as above.

3. “You’d know all about that,” Guinevere shot back.

4. “Where was Lancelot last night?” countered Arthur.
What, no comma? That’s right—the question mark takes its place. Note also, though, that the sentence isn’t finished, which is why countered isn’t capitalized.

5. “Where do you think? On that stupid quest of yours.” Guinevere started to cry. Arthur handed her a handkerchief. “There, there. Many a knight has returned from that dragon’s lair with nothing more than a missing arm or leg to show for it,” Arthur said soothingly.
Guinevere’s line is self-contained. She doesn’t “start to cry” the words; the fact that she’s crying is a separate thought. But Arthur’s line is something he says, so his bit needs a comma.

Remember: In your writing, your folks can say things a variety of ways:

she said
she growled
she hissed
he spat
he grumbled
he roared
he whispered

... and so on. But your folks can’t “say” things this way:

he stood
she stalked off
he leered
she slapped him

So please don’t write this:

“I never want to see you again,” she slapped him.

Instead, write:

“I never want to see you again.” She slapped him.

If the verb you’re using can’t be used as a mode of verbally expressing something—grunted, whined, shouted, even sighed—it needs its own sentence.

Yes, even I tire of commas. Let's take a break from them next week and segue right into quotation marks. They're “fun.”

Comma Lesson 3: In Dialogue

2009-10-12T20:48:00.005-05:00

The comma stuff just gets easier, doesn’t it? Now just like your H1N1 flu shot, this won’t hurt a bit. Let’s talk about how to write what people talk about.

The humble comma’s job in dialogue writing is simply to set off the quote from the quoter. For example:

“You’re standing on my dress, Shrek,” said Fiona.

Two rules:

(1) The comma goes inside the quotation marks.
(2) The word said is lowercased. Then comes the name.

What could be easier?

The problem I occasionally see is that people don’t know what to do if Fiona is really ticked at Shrek. For example, I see this:

WRONG: “Get off my dress, Shrek!”, said Fiona.
RIGHT: “Get off my dress, Shrek!” said Fiona.

In this case, the exclamation point (!) replaces the comma. The quote needs some sort of end punctuation. It can be a comma, exclamation point, question mark, or dash.

RIGHT:
“Why does an ogre need a dress, anyway?” asked Shrek.
“Duh, it’s our wedding day,” said Fiona.
“I don’t think that—” Shrek began.
“Shh! They’re coming with the pitchforks!” Fiona hissed.

BUT WRITERS SOMETIMES TRY (WHICH IS WRONG):

“Why does an ogre need a dress, anyway?”, asked Shrek.
“Duh, it’s our wedding day”, said Fiona.
“I don’t think that—,” Shrek began.
“Shh! They’re coming with the pitchforks!,” Fiona hissed.

You can even use a period, but if so, you have to start a new sentence altogether:

“Those aren’t pitchforks.” Shrek pulled some wax out of his ear. “They’re torches.”

The point is that when followed by _____ said (or said _______), a comma acts as the end of the quotation unless some other punctuation is needed.

Easy, right? All done. You may roll down your sleeve now and get a lolly.

Quiz #9: The Serial Comma

2009-10-09T05:00:00.000-05:00

Brush up on your commas here, then proceed to the grueling task below. Put in the commas where you will.

1. Sue Ann baked cakes for Mary Murray Ted and Lou.

2. She embellished Lou’s cake with flowers and hearts in pink frosting.

3. Mary ordered a gin and tonic screwdriver and Harvey Wallbanger to ease the pain.

4. Sue Ann offered to bring Lou the drinks along with a chocolate cake Scotch and soda

5. Ted wondered if Lou should attend AA Partners of Nymphos or Overaters Anonymous.

ANSWERS

1. Sue Ann baked cakes for Mary, Murray, Ted, and Lou.
Straightforward series. AP style: Mary, Murray, Ted and Lou.

2. She embellished Lou’s cake with flowers and hearts in pink frosting.
No commas needed here. When only two items are in the series—flowers and hearts—the conjunction does the job.

3. Mary ordered him a gin and tonic, screwdriver, and Harvey Wallbanger to ease the pain.
Both Chicago and AP would punctuate this way to avoid confusion with gin and tonic. You could make the case that the g&t came at the beginning, but the fact that one of the nouns is compound makes the case for commas all round.

4. Sue Ann offered to bring Lou the drinks along with a chocolate cake, Scotch, and soda.

This is why we need commas. How do we know there are 3 items instead of just cake along with one mixed drink? If Scotch and soda were one drink together, it would read:
Sue Ann offered to bring Lou the drinks along with a chocolate cake and a Scotch and soda.
But it would be better to recast the sentence altogether:
Sue Ann added a soda along with a straight Scotch to Mary's tray of drinks. She offered to bring it to Lou along with a chocolate cake.

5. Ted wondered if Lou should attend AA, Partners of Nymphos, or Overaters Anonymous.
Again, we’re talking about three separate support groups. AP style could argue this arrangement:
Ted wondered if Lou should attend AA, Partners of Nymphos or Overaters Anonymous.
But I’d wonder if on first reading if the second group was called Partners of Nymphos or Overeaters. I’d probably figure it out, because Anonymous isn’t the name of a group, but why make readers work so hard? Communicate well the first time out if you want to hold their interest.

Punch up—that is, punctuate—that dialogue! Come back next week for a lesson on how to write what people say.

Peeve of the Week: Less Is More

2009-10-08T05:00:00.001-05:00

True confession time, blog readers. This isn’t my pet peeve; it’s Hubby’s. And here’s the true confession part: It’s his peeve about me.

I’ve told you before that my grammar isn’t perfect—not in writing, and certainly not in speech. Here’s a gaffe I make so often it sets Hubby's teeth on edge:

I wish less people would mow their lawns on Sunday morning.

The gaffe isn’t, of course, with the assertion, because Sunday morning is for me a time of quiet reflection (and sometimes sleep). The problem is with the word less.

Less is an adverb relating how much. But it can only be used when referring to amounts, not numbers. In other words:

I would like less than half a glass of juice.
No, I’d like less than that, please.
Sheila’s car has less than half a tank of gas.
John has less hair than Nigel.

Because I’m speaking of volume, not number, I correctly use the word less. But in the case of the annoying lawn mowers, the word should be fewer:

I wish fewer people would mow their lawns on Sunday
morning.
I would like fewer than 3 eggs.
Fewer than fifty people attended the concert.
Nigel has fewer pimples than John.

For volume, use less. For numbers, use fewer.

Sorry, dear.

Are you studying for your serial comma quiz tomorrow? Life isn't all about Flash Forward or whatever show you're watching these days (although that one is pretty good, I think).

Much Ado About Commas

2009-10-06T05:00:00.001-05:00

Think the fuss about commas is much ado about nothing? Think again:

Comma Lesson 2: In a Series

2009-10-05T05:00:00.000-05:00

I know that some people who read about comma rules react as I do when reading about quantum physics. In the beginning was the atom; gotcha. Nucleus, yes; electrons, okay; and then the greatstringtheory#$&**!?andquarks#$&Einstein&?otherguys$%$%?** ... shoot. You lost me. I’m able to hang in for about four chapters, gradually slipping away until even my fingernails break off and I’m gone, left behind in a sea of calculus equations.

But so far, we’re good on commas. Nothing revolutionary yet. This week, more easy stuff: commas in a series.

Now people are sure to jump on me for this, because I know that the Associated Press style book does not love the serial comma. By serial comma, here’s what we mean:

Katie ate Cap’n Crunch, Apple Jacks, and Lucky Charms for breakfast.

Items in a series are separated by our friend the comma. No one quibbles about that. The controversy revolves around that final comma—the one before and. It’s called a serial comma, and not because Katie’s eating a lot of sugary junk in the morning (those are cereals, or they purport to be).

Some, like the wise folks at the Associated Press, will tell you that the word and replaces the comma, rendering a final comma superfluous. And in its hunger for economy, the AP says to throw it out. The exception, says the style book, is “if an integral element of the series requires a conjunction”:

I had orange juice, toast, and ham and eggs for breakfast.

The Chicago Manual of Style 15/e disagrees, since the serial comma (also known as the series or Oxford comma) “prevents ambiguity.” Personally, I find the serial comma a comforting crutch. I know where I’m at. I don’t have to wonder who’s teetotaling in this sentence:

Our party ordered a gin and tonic, a vodka and water, and a Sex on the Beach.

Granted, my opinion, while supported by Chicago and a number of commercial publishers, isn’t the last word on the subject. The important thing is that however you manage your serial comma—always include it, include it in certain circumstances, or do away with it altogether—you’re consistent. You’ll also make your editor happy if you follow the “house style” (preferred rule of that particular house or publication). Want the easy way out? Always include the serial comma.

By the way, British readers might enlighten me as to the predominant style across the pond. Anyone?

I Ain't Gonna Love You No Mo'

2009-10-02T18:00:00.000-05:00

The Rock Bottom Remainders is a rock(?) band made up of several writers, among them Dave Barry, Stephen King, and Amy Tan. Below, Steve Martin calls these writers to task for their grammar.

Quiz #8: Comma Lesson No. 1

2009-10-02T09:25:00.005-05:00

I promised easy and that’s what I deliver below. Review how to use commas in compound sentences here, if need be, and then show your stuff! Add commas to the sentences below. Not every example will need commas.

1. Alice chased the White Rabbit for what seemed like hours but he darted down a hole before she could catch him.

2. Her mother had told her never to eat anything if she didn’t know where it came from and she was right.

3. Alice gasped and the cat vanished.

4. That will teach her to stay at home and mind her manners.

5. Several people lost their heads on that fateful day but at least Alice had a nice cream tea.

ANSWERS

1. Alice chased the White Rabbit for what seemed like hours, but he darted down a hole before she could catch him.
The conjunction but separates two complete sentences.

2. Her mother had told her never to eat anything if she didn’t know where it came from, and she was right.
Ditto this compound sentence. The conjunction is and.

3. Alice gasped and the cat vanished.
The two sentences joined by and are both short. Though some writers would insert a comma after gasped, it’s not needed. No one will run out of breath trying to say this compound sentence.

4. That will teach her to stay at home and mind her manners.
The conjunction and joins a series, not two sentences. That will teach her to (1) stay at home and (2) mind her manners. The second verb phrase has no subject, so it’s incomplete.

5. Several people lost their heads on that fateful day, but at least Alice had a nice cream tea.
Again, but joins two complete sentences.

Now, before anyone complains, let me assure you that I don’t consider these compound sentences fantastic writing. Sentences 1, 2, and 5 are very long. Too many of them in a paragraph would tire out a reader. I deliberately made them long to make the need for the comma obvious. However, an occasional lengthy sentence can be a welcome variation in the prose’s rhythm. You might be a Hemingway or a Dickens. Your choice.

Next week, commas in a series—oh so easy! Boring but for the most devoted grammarians among us! Come back, if only to say, “I already know this. Sheesh.”

Peeve of the Week: Alright

2009-10-01T05:00:00.000-05:00

Again, I take issue with Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary (11/ed). I’m picking on the word alright, but my beef is really with this authority taking no kind of stance whatsoever.

Let’s make it simple:

alright = wrong; all right = right

In my work as an editor, I’ve never run across a publisher who prefers or even condones alright as a spelling. Granted, I’ve worked with perhaps five or six publishing houses at most. Still. What’s so hard about making a stand and declaring what should be? Here’s what Webby has to say about alright:

The one-word spelling alright appeared some 75 years after all right itself had reappeared from a 400-year-long absence. Since the early 20th century some critics have insisted alright is wrong, but it has its defenders and its users... It is quite common in fictional dialogue, and is used occas. in other writing. ...

Well, guess what, Webby? Plenty of wrongisms have their “defenders and users.” And what’s fictional dialogue got to do with anything? It’s a spelling issue, not a spoken one. It’s not a question of dialect. All right and alright are pronounced the same. We should embrace one spelling. Period. And it may as well be the one that Webby admits is more frequently used.

Ah! I feel better. A good rant will do that. I might just mosey over to the cocktail lounge. I hear they’ve got a guy plunking on the piano there. After all, I’m in the mood for a melody, and he’ll soon have me feelin’ all right.

Comma Lesson 1: Commas in Compound Sentences

2009-09-29T09:19:00.006-05:00

Yesterday, we introduced our brave charge into the Battle of the Comma with a note of caution. But now, swords out!

Basic Comma Rule No. 1: Use a Comma to Join Two Independent Clauses.

A compound sentence is composed by joining two complete sentences with a fun little word called a conjunction.

Sentence 1: Keanu loves cool sunglasses.
Sentence 2: Without them he looks a little goofy.
Conjunction: because

Compound sentence: Keanu loves cool sunglasses, because without them he looks a little goofy.

Other conjunctions include: and, or, for, but, whether, as, whereas, until, when

Caveat! If the conjunction joins two brief complete sentences, however, the comma will just seem like a big, unnecessary pause. So we can omit it in that case:

Go to McDonald’s and buy me a shake.

Now if you’re writing dialogue and your character is talking through gritted teeth, his scarred, bloody face only inches from his bumbling assistant’s, maybe the comma makes sense. He’s spitting out each word:

“Go to McDonald’s, and buy me a shake!”

In Comma Land, it all depends on what you’re trying to convey.

Caveat 2: DON’T Use the Comma ...

... if you’re joining an independent clause (complete sentence) to a dependent clause (one that can't stand on its own):

Paul gave me a kiss and sent me to bed.

Paul is the subject (our Lead Actor, remember). He does two things in this sentence:

1. gave me a kiss
2. sent me to bed

We don’t have two complete sentences, because if we split these up ...

1. Paul gave me a kiss.
2. Sent me to bed.

Sentence 2 has no subject. It’s not independent. It couldn’t tie its own shoes—that's how lame it is. So we don’t want a comma here. But consider this:

Paul gave me a kiss, and he sent me to bed.

Now we have two independent clauses:

1. Paul gave me a kiss.
2. He sent me to bed.

Again, both of these clauses are brief. We could get by without the comma. As Diane Wahto commented yesterday (via Facebook), less is more. Remember, the reader pauses when she sees a comma. As you write, ask yourself if she needs to pause.

Hang in there. I've got one more monkey wrench to throw into your ordered world:

Tony brought Maria and Anita came with Bernardo.

Two brief, independent clauses make up this compound sentence. But when your reader skips along in your prose, he’ll first think that Tony brought both Maria and Anita to the dance. Then he’ll see the phrase “came with Bernardo” and backtrack a moment—Oh, Tony’s with Maria; Anita’s with Bernardo. Got it. (Otherwise, it’s Tony’s Brothel, not West Side Story.) But as writers, we’d like readers to get it right the first time. So:

Tony brought Maria, and Anita came with Bernardo.

On Friday we’ll test this first, easy comma rule. I can't promise it won't hurt, but I can promise it will be over with quickly.

The Comma's Dirty Little Secret

2009-09-28T08:38:00.003-05:00

I promised an easy introduction to commas this week. And we'll get there. But first, a few ground rules.

The comma is arguably the most misused, least understood member of our punctuation family. People feel free to throw them into their sentences willy-nilly without much regard for the rules. What gives?

Here’s the dirty little secret grammar nazis the world over don’t want you to know: The rules are—well—bendy.

Oh, don’t get me wrong. Commas come with a nice set of firm rules that we’ll talk and no doubt argue about. But remember what a comma is for in the first place.

It’s a pause.

No matter what rule I come up with, someone will certainly find it violated in writing—good writing, in fact. Because good writers do break grammar rules, usually deliberately, and many see the comma as the poetic pause that it is. For example:

The way to a man’s heart is certainly through his stomach.

That's a perfectly fine sentence just the way it is. But is this wrong?

The way to a man’s heart is, certainly, through his stomach.

Actually, it isn't. We don’t need the commas to make the sentence correct, but they don’t hurt it, either. The reason has to do with the Reader Voice.

You probably don't know what I'm talking about since I just made that phrase up. The Reader Voice is that soothing voice in your head that you hear as you read. (Mine sounds a lot like Gregory Peck. To each her own.) In lieu of moving our lips or reciting aloud, many of us hear the words in our head as we peruse the page (screen). In the example above, the writer stuck in those commas so that your Reader Voice will pause and consider the word certainly. You’ll hear the sentence differently with the commas than without.

So why bother with comma rules at all? Commas do enhance understanding. And in some cases, putting them in the wrong spot will result in miscommunication. As writers, we have to know how the mechanics of our sentences work so that they do the job we’re asking them to do.

As we go through our week with Comma Lesson No. 1 (and it is really easy, if boring as hell), keep in mind that commas give us poetry. But English teachers like the rules.

Quiz #7: Passive Voice

2009-09-25T09:05:00.004-05:00

Read the passage below. Try to catch all the passive-voice constructions. Then, determine if the passive voice is justified or not—remember, sometimes it’s even preferable to use it. Review Part I and Part II of this week's lesson if need be.

Ready? Here we go:

Rosalita stepped out of her apartment building. She shielded her eyes, blinded by the sun bouncing off her car’s windshield. She dashed away a few tears. Once again, she’d been given an ultimatum by Kevin. Why was she dating a drycleaner, anyway? What did he have to offer her? Oh, sure—her cashmere sweater was now laundered by the best outfit in the city, and for half price. But Rosalita suspected that a good relationship wouldn’t be destroyed by an argument over
Woolite. She sighed and picked up the newspaper. Underneath it was a crushed bouquet of roses. Now when had that been delivered?

ANSWERS

Here’s the same paragraph, the passive voice marked in red:

Rosalita stepped out of her apartment building. She shielded her eyes, blinded by the sun bouncing off her car’s windshield. She dashed away a few tears. Once again, she’d been given an ultimatum by Kevin. Why was she dating a drycleaner, anyway? What did he have to offer her? Oh, sure—her cashmere sweater was now laundered by the best outfit in the city, and for half price. But Rosalita suspected that a good relationship wouldn’t be destroyed by an argument over
Woolite. She sighed and picked up the newspaper. Underneath it was a crushed bouquet of roses. Now when had that been delivered?

Now let’s rewrite it:

Rosalita stepped out of her apartment building. The sun bounced off her car’s windshield, blinding her. She dashed away a few tears. Once again, Kevin had given her an ultimatum. Why was she dating a drycleaner, anyway? What did he have to offer her? Oh, sure—now the best outfit in the city laundered her favorite cashmere sweater, and for half price. But Rosalita suspected that an argument over Woolite wouldn’t destroy a good relationship. She sighed and picked up the newspaper. Underneath it was a crushed bouquet of roses. Now when
had that been delivered?

I chose to rework the paragraph itself a little. Just substituting active for passive voice doesn’t always do the trick. Note that I didn't change the final sentence because I don't care who delivered the roses, and that awful phrase "by___" isn't an issue.

The next to last sentence, “Underneath it was a crushed bouquet of roses,” isn’t technically passive voice; it’s just ordered differently, with the prepositional phrase stuck at the beginning. The subject of the sentence is stuck at the end, but I think it's a strong position in this case. Just as you would reach for the paper and then discover what was beneath it, so it happens in our sentence that the discovery comes at the end.

While our job here was to excise the passive voice, some writers would argue that for the sake of humor, emphasis, or variety, a passive-voice construction can be useful. (Which do you prefer: “a good relationship wouldn’t be destroyed by an argument over Woolite” or the active construction? Is it funnier to put the Woolite at the end?)

Despite all my ranting this week, I appreciate poetic license—and I mean that literally. Some sentences flow better, sound better, and are more poetic when the writer plays with the structure. The point is not to write blindly. Pay attention to how you write, edit what you write, and create the strongest sentences you can. Until next time ...

Hold on to your hat. We venture into comma territory next week. We’ll start slow, so don’t panic. First lesson comes Monday.

National Punctuation Day

2009-09-24T09:35:00.002-05:00

For shame! The LetterPress is woefully behind the times and only discovered through the omniscient Tweetfeed that today is National Punctuation Day.

Please take a moment to thank and revere those little marks that do the heavy lifting in our sentences. Without them, we’d never know when to pause or stop. We’d never know if someone were questioning or yelling. Some may think that emoticons do more and should even be welcomed into the punctuation family. If you don’t know how I feel about that, surf on over to this rant.

In the meantime, I defer to my colleague Michelle Mach. She alerted me to this holy day and blogs about it here, with links to some other fun punctuation blogs. (What’s with the sour face? Punctuation can be fun! Just watch this!)

Peeve of the Week: “Literally”

2009-09-24T05:00:00.003-05:00

Okay, class. Who knows what the word literally means? Agnes?

“Really. Truly. Actually.”

Lovely. Well done, Agnes. As for the rest of you, who might blithely write, “Whenever Jeremy talks to me, I literally have butterflies in my stomach,” I’m sorry to hear you’ve ingested insects. But that’s no excuse for misusing this word.

If Candace feels like she has butterflies in her tummy when Jeremy talks to her, then that’s what she should say. To say she literally has them means she “really, truly, actually” does. The opposite of literally is metaphorically—i.e., “what I’m saying is just an expression, a metaphor.”

Here are some other examples:

The thief literally tore the mattress apart looking for the hundred dollars.
(Correct. The thief took a knife and slashed the mattress open.)

The thief literally turned the room upside down looking for the hundred dollars.
(Really? The floor is now the ceiling? Huh.)

When Romeo asked Juliet to the prom, she literally stared speechless at him for two full minutes.
(Lame, but possible. She stood there, agog, until her vocal cords remembered how to work.)

When Romeo asked Juliet to the prom, she was literally struck dumb.
(Ummm ... did he somehow confer laryngitis? Is she permanently mute?)

Get the idea?

One final note: It would be unfair not to mention that Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary, 11/e, revered by writers and editors alike, claims a meaning (2) for literally:

2. in effect : VIRTUALLY

Venerable Webby goes on to quote Norman Cousins: “...will literally turn the world upside down to combat cruelty ...” and adds this note:

usage Since some people take sense 2 to be the
opposite of sense 1 [“actually”], it has been frequently criticized as a misuse.
Instead, the use is pure hyperbole intended to gain emphasis, but it often
appears in contexts where no additional emphasis is necessary.

For shame, Webby! Bowing to the masses! Well, grammar hounds, I say stand up to this shameful pandering. The hyperbole is in the metaphor; it never needs the addition of literally, which only confuses the matter. I don’t care who you quote. Cousins should have said, “ ... will turn the world upside down to combat cruelty.” Why stick literally in there and make yourself look like a baboon?

Literally.

Don't Correct--Communicate

2009-09-23T13:08:00.001-05:00

Robin Abrahams, The Boston Globe’s Miss Conduct, penned a follow-up yesterday to a recent column. Question: When is it okay to correct people’s grammar?

As Miss Conduct was once an English teacher as well as now an etiquette expert, she has some informative things to say. But I wonder what you think of this question. It’s really a two-parter:

(1) Do you correct the writing or speech of a nonnative English speaker?

(2) Do you correct the writing or speech of a native English speaker?

For my money, there’s not much difference. People learning English—whether they’re your friends, colleagues, or employer—will of course want to speak correctly. And yes, I’m happy to blog on about what peeves me and the cloddishness of the average native English speaker. But I don’t correct people to their face.

Here’s why. It’s tough enough dealing with culture shock, immigration issues, and prejudice without worrying about speaking exactly correctly. Even as an aide in an ESL classroom, I found it more useful to model good English than to correct it. In fact, with my students (who ranged in age from six to nine), I championed any attempt to speak English. It’s a brave, tough thing to do. We did a lot of reading and speaking; both help teach proper syntax and vocabulary. When the kids wrote essays, then yes, I corrected them—gently. Novice English speakers need cheerleading, not browbeating. And sometimes I’ve heard so-called natives giving wrong instruction to newbies. **shudder **

As for your fellow natives, just give up the fight. I’m a professional editor. People pay me to tell them their mistakes, and I do so (sometimes gleefully). But outside of that professional circle, it’s important to remember that what we’re aiming for is communication. Like everyone else, I make the occasional grammar gaffe in my speech. I get excited and I misspeak or blurt something out without thinking. Nothing deflates me quicker than realizing that the clod I’m talking to isn’t listening at all to my brilliance but is instead focused on the fact that I mispronounced a word. Telling me so stops the conversation dead and, by the way, embarrasses me. It’s rude. If you know what the other person means, no matter how poorly she or he phrases it, get over it. Accept your half of the communication bargain and move on.

What’s your take, readers?

Passive vs. Active Voice, Part II

2009-09-23T08:47:00.003-05:00

In Part I of this discussion, we looked at the evils of passive voice—what it is and why as writers we need to avoid it. But is it ever okay to use it?

First, a quickie review for fans that decided to play Guitar Hero instead of read the blog:

Active Voice: Subject + verb + object
Example: Everyone loves a three-day weekend.

Passive Voice: Object becomes the subject
Example: A three-day weekend is loved by everyone. [**shudder**]

Good Uses for Passive Voice
Instead of sticking your poor Leading Actor—the subject of your sentence—into a supporting role, a good passive voice sentence really has no actor:

The president’s speech was broadcast on Wednesday.

Notice the odious “by ___” is missing. Who did the broadcasting? I suppose you could say:

The major networks broadcast the president’s speech.

But is that really the point? Remember, the subject of your sentence is the Lead Actor. If you’re trying to say that only the major networks broadcast the speech, or the affiliates didn’t carry it, or what have you, then fine. But we’re focusing on the speech itself, and we don’t care who broadcast it. So we don’t even mention it.

Passive voice is helpful when trying to avoid another dishwater word, the omnipresent they:

They handed out report cards last week.

If “they” are so vague and institutional that they don’t warrant a name, consider using the passive:

Report cards were handed out last week.

Another Kind of Passive Voice
Do these sentences offend?

There were a lot of beautiful ladies dancing at the ball.
There was a hush as Rhett took Scarlett’s hand.

Grammatically, they’re fine. As writing, they—well—blow.

There is and there are constitute weak writing. Why not say:

Many beautiful ladies were dancing at the ball.
A hush fell as Rhett took Scarlett’s hand.

The point is this: When you’ve finished a piece of writing—any kind of writing—look for passive voice during one of your editorial glance-throughs. Strive for strong, direct sentences featuring He-Man Verbs and unforgettable Leading Ladies. Your readers will thank you.

On Friday, come back and edit some pretty awful writing--for points! Red pencils required. Tomorrow, I grouse about this week's Peeve of the Week.

ANSWER: Word Puzzler No. 11

2009-09-23T05:00:00.001-05:00

The word is UNDER:

UNDERHAND UNDERWEAR UNDERBRUSH UNDERCARRIAGE UNDERARM

More Puzzler fun next Tuesday! Meanwhile, later today: Is passive voice ever okay? Or should it be thrown in the Dumpster? (Ooops. Did you catch the passive voice there?)

Word Puzzler No. 11

2009-09-22T05:00:00.000-05:00

What word can be added as a prefix to each of these words to form new words? (For an example of this kind of puzzler, see the answers to Puzzler No. 6.)

HAND WEAR BRUSH CARRIAGE ARM

Answer tomorrow! How will you contain yourselves?

Passive vs. Active Voice

2009-09-20T22:43:00.008-05:00

What is passive voice and why do writing teachers cringe whenever they see it? These are the questions of the week.

You might wonder what this topic has to do with grammar. Passive voice isn’t incorrect grammar, strictly speaking. But in this space we also address clarity, precision, even beauty in the written word. Besides, passive voice is a term some kid taking an English comp class might need to know. Her Google search has led her to us; let’s not disappoint her.

Voice, as we’re discussing it here, has to do with how a subject and verb work together in a sentence. First let’s look at active voice, which is a straightforward, subject-verb-object construction:

Babe hit a home run in the bottom of the ninth.

Who’s our actor in this scene? Babe. What did he do? He hit. What did he hit? A home run.

Here’s how to spell it out in grammarese:

Subject = Babe
Verb = hit
Object = a home run

(In case you’re wondering, in the bottom of the ninth is frosting on the cake. It’s not part of the discussion here.)

Active voice charges out and fights dragons. Subject! Verb! Object! What could be easier?

Pat stepped on her birthday cake!
Buffy dusted ten vampires!
Katie Anne threw a tantrum in the grocery store!

But here's what happens when we change these sentences to passive voice, that namby-pamby way of writing:

A home run was hit by Babe.
The birthday cake was stepped on by Pat.
Ten vampires were dusted by Buffy.
A tantrum was thrown by Katie Anne in the grocery store.

Look what’s happened here. Suddenly the home run, not Babe, is in charge. Babe has gone hiding under the bleachers. We trudge to the very end of the sentence before we even find out who hit the home run. We’ve stripped the vibrancy from the sentence. It’s lukewarm.

The grammatical breakdown looks like this:

Subject = a home run
Verb = was hit
Object = none; by Babe is a prepositional phrase

It’s sad to reduce a great like Babe Ruth to the status of a prepositional phrase, folks. And can we in good conscience relegate the vampire slayer, or even bratty Katie Anne, to the same position? This is why we call this construction passive voice: Our strong, brave subjects—the people doing the hard work in the sentences—are no longer subjects. The objects have taken their place. And, as we learned last week, there’s the rub.

Passive voice is weak. English teachers hate it. In fact, readers hate it. Strong, active verbs rule the day.

Attention spans being what they are, I’ll continue this lesson on Wednesday, when we’ll discuss when, if ever, passive voice is appropriate. Stay tuned.

Another Word Puzzler to stretch those brain muscles on Tuesday! And yes, what would be the fun of grammar without a test on Friday?

Quiz #6: Pronouns

2009-09-18T05:00:00.001-05:00

Just an intro to pronouns this week, so the quiz is easy. Need to review? Do it fast; do it here and here (two parts). Now on to the pain! Follow directions for each sentence.

1. Circle the correct pronoun to use:
Hermione and (me / I) aced the Potions final.

2. Underline the object pronoun:
She brought me before the Wizengamot to stand trial.

3. Underline the subject pronoun:
He left me stranded in Knockturn Alley.

4. Circle the correct pronoun to use:
Malfoy tried to punch Ron and (me / I).

5. Circle the correct pronouns to use:
Ron and (me / I) cursed both (he / him) and Goyle.

ANSWERS

1. Hermione and I aced the Potions final.
Just as you would use I if Hermione wasn’t mentioned, you use I in this case too.

2. She brought me before the Wizengamot to stand trial.
The object pronoun is the thing or person that was brought, not the doer of the action.

3. He left me stranded in Knockturn Alley.
The person who performs the action is the subject pronoun.

4. Malfoy tried to punch Ron and me.
Again, who’s receiving the action? Ron and me. Take Ron out of the sentence to test it: Malfoy tried to punch me.

5. Ron and I cursed both him and Goyle.
Two subjects here—Ron and I; we’re both doing the cursing. Who’s getting cursed? Him. Oh, and Goyle, too. Remember, remove everyone else from the sentence to test if you’re right: I cursed him—not Me cursed he.

Would it be cruel to extend the pronoun torture? Let’s put it off and venture into the verb arena—passive and active voice. Tune in Monday. No pain, no gain.

Peeve of the Week: LOL, BTW, OMG, :)

2009-09-17T09:00:00.001-05:00

Okay, I’m a major curmudgeon. Who doesn’t use these friendly abbreviations and cute little emoticons? What’s wrong with a little quickie communication in the age of Twitter, when every character counts?

Scroll down the right column of this blog and you’ll see that yes, I do Tweet. (Feel free to follow me.) Like everyone else, I only have 140 characters to make my point (that includes spaces). But I almost never use abbreviations.

As far as I’m concerned, LOL and OMG go hand in hand with the multiple exclamation points (see last week’s Peeve). Whose ass is really falling off when they write [LMAO!!!!!!!]? Mine isn’t. The writer seems to take me for an idiot who can’t tell when he or she is making a funny. It’s rather like that lout who tells the off-color joke at a cocktail party and then roars at his own cleverness. He deserves the icy smile or deadpan look in return.

Or maybe the real culprit is the writer’s laziness. If your words can’t convey a sense of whimsy, you’re tempted to throw in a :) so that your reader won’t take offense. That might be the safest route, but writers seemed to do fine without :), :(, and the rest up until a few years ago. Personally I liked reading between the lines. It made me feel smart.

So don’t ask me to TXT you or ask me WTF? or assure me you’ll BBL. Try English. It’s my native language. :)

Pronouns, Part II

2009-09-16T07:00:00.000-05:00

So why all the hullabaloo about the names of pronouns, anyway? (See Part I, where I drone on about it until your eyes glaze over.)

Although I expect you’re eagerly reviewing Monday’s installment of The LetterPress, a quickie review:

SUBJECT PRONOUNS
Singular: I, you, he, she, it
Plural: we, you, they

OBJECT PRONOUNS
Singular: me, you, him, her, it
Plural: us, you, them

Now, is it really important to know these names? I’ll allow it isn’t—exactly. But whatever you want to call them, you do have to know their function. Otherwise, when you get stumped on which one to use, you’ll draw a blank.

Let me explain.

Children are taught from the cradle that it’s wrong (or rude?) to put yourself before another person, even when narrating a story. We’re taught to say:

Harry and I bought our wands at Ollivander’s.

Never to say:

I and Harry bought our wands at Ollivander’s.

Notice that because I am one of the subjects of the sentence—the one buying, not the thing bought—I used a simple subject pronoun. But suppose the sentence goes like this?

Hagrid took Harry and me to Ollivander’s.

Who’s the subject here? Hagrid. He performed an action—he took us to Ollivander’s. What was taken? That’s where the object pronoun comes in. You don’t say:

Hagrid took Harry and I to Ollivander’s.

Why? Because I is a subject, not an object, pronoun. To test how bad the other way sounds, take Harry out of the sentence altogether. He’ll just hog all of Hagrid’s attention—Boy Who Lived, blah blah blah.

Hagrid took I to Ollivander’s.

Okay—ick. Makes you want to bring Harry back in all his glory, doesn’t it?

The point is, if you’d say:

Hagrid took me to Ollivander’s.

Then you’ll always say that—no matter how many people come trooping along with you. Let the entire Weasley clan come:

Hagrid took Ginny, Ron, Fred, George, Percy, Bill, Charlie, and me to Ollivander’s.

Moral: Always use an object pronoun where it belongs.

I could go into a lot more depth than this about pronoun usage, but for this week’s lesson, I’ll leave it at that. We’re just getting our feet wet here. As time goes on in this blog, I’ll address other specific issues. We’ll get into indirect object pronouns and the like. Be patient. There’s plenty of dull work ahead.

Quiz on Friday! Pass it on!

ANSWERS: Word Puzzler No. 10

2009-09-16T05:00:00.000-05:00

How well do you know your Shakespeare? Let's find out if you knew where these famous quotes came from:

1. “The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers.”
B. Henry VI, Part II, Act 4, Scene 2

2. “To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there’s the rub;”
D. Hamlet, Act 3, Scene 1. Part of his famous soliloquy (“To be or not to be ...”)

3. “Parting is such sweet sorrow / That I shall say good-night till it be morrow.”
C. Romeo and Juliet, Act 2, Scene 2. The lady just can’t get enough of that Romeo.

4. “‘Beauty is truth, truth beauty,’—that is all / Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know.”
E. bogus. This quote comes from John Keats’s poem, “Ode on a Grecian Urn” (1820). Also, that’s Keats’s picture, not Will’s, above.

5. “But I will wear my heart upon my sleeve / For daws to peck at: I am not what I am.”
A. Othello, Act I, Scene 1. From whence we get the famous saying about hearts and sleeves.

More on pronouns later today.

Word Puzzler No. 10

2009-09-15T05:00:00.004-05:00

Shakespeare said it best, but where did he say it? Or did he? Match these quotes to their source. One is completely bogus.

1. “The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers.”
2. “To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there’s the rub;”
3. “Parting is such sweet sorrow / That I shall say good-night till it be morrow.”
4. “’Beauty is truth, truth beauty,’—that is all / Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know.”
5. “But I will wear my heart upon my sleeve / For daws to peck at: I am not what I am.”

A. Othello, Act I, Scene 1
B. Henry VI, Part II, Act 4, Scene 2
C. Romeo and Juliet, Act 2, Scene 2
D. Hamlet, Act 3, Scene 1
E. bogus

Answers tomorrow!

Pronouns, Part I

2009-09-14T12:21:00.002-05:00

This week, to continue our grand tour of parts of speech, we focus on pronouns. What are they, and why do we care?

Pronouns are the handy little words that stand in for people’s names. Simple as that. Here’s a list of our English subject pronouns:

I
you
he
she
it
we
you
they

You’ll also hear these referred to as personal pronouns (they do, after all, concern people, except for it). Why subject pronouns? Because these babies serve as the subject of a sentence:

I love Shakespeare’s plays.

Who loves them? I do. You could plug any one of the other subject pronouns in place of I, provided you weren’t telling a big whopper. Not everyone loves Shakespeare. (I know, I know ... what?)

You love Shakespeare’s plays.
She loves Shakespeare’s plays.
We love Shakespeare’s plays.

And so on.

If these were the only pronouns to worry about, English would be simpler. But they aren’t, and it’s not. You’ve also got this lot:

me
you
her
him
it
us
you
them

Do some of these look the same as the others? Well spotted, Sesame Street alumni. But their function is, nevertheless, different. These are object pronouns. It just so happens that in some cases, the subject and object pronoun are the same.

What’s an object pronoun?

It represents the person or thing receiving the action. Let’s try some substitution. Remember how I love Shakespeare’s plays. I could also say:

I love them.

The word them—object pronoun, plural, third person—stands in for Shakespeare’s plays. It’s what I love. Here are some more examples. First listed is a sentence with an object; next is the same sentence, with an object pronoun replacing it:

I love eggplant parmesan.
I love it.

I love Katharine Hepburn.
I love her.

My daughter loves Zac Efron. (Come on, I’m not a cradle robber.)
My daughter loves him.

Questions?

Okay, but back up. You lost me just before you started your torrid affair with eggplant parmesan. What was all that gibberish about plural, third person?

Pronouns are divided into three kinds, known as persons: first, second, or third. This idea may ring a bell if you recall a lit class where you discussed that the novel Huckleberry Finn was written in first person. (It means Huck narrated the book—“I did this, I did that.”)

First person = I, me, we, us (remember, I’m number one).
Second person = you
Third person = he, she, it; they, them

But pronouns can also be classified into singular (only one) or plural (more than one). For each person, there’s a singular form and a plural form:

First person singular: I, me
First person plural: we, us

Second person singular: you, you (yes, it’s the same, whether subject or object)
Second person plural: you (also the same; that’s not the case in many other languages, like French and German)

Third person singular: she, her; he, him; it, it
Third person plural: they, them

Great. So now we know the names of all these things. But again, why do we care? Do names really matter?

Yes. And we’ll see why later this week. Meantime, tomorrow is another new Word Puzzler. Come back and have some fun.

Quiz #5: Latin

2009-09-11T05:00:00.003-05:00

Quiz time! Prove you're a Latin lover by circling the correct phrase below:

1. George and his brother are both (alumna / alumnus / alumni) of the University of Rome.

2. Jenny loves all kinds of books, (e.g. / i.e.), poetry, history, fiction, and biographies.

3. When Kirsti appeared in the pink chiffon, Jake said the exact wrong thing, (e.g. / i.e.), “Don’t you think that dress makes you look a little fat?”

4. When slaying a vampire, there’s no need to beat him up (ad nauseaum / ad nauseam); just stake him and be done with it.

5. Buffy sought to kill most vampires, and (viceversa / vice versa).

ANSWERS

1. George and his brother are both alumni of the University of Rome.
Alumni = masculine plural

2. Jenny loves all kinds of books, e.g., poetry, history, fiction, and biographies.
We’re giving examples of different sorts of books Jenny loves; hence, e.g.

3. When Kirsti appeared in the pink chiffon, Jake said the exact wrong thing, i.e., “Don’t you think that dress makes you look a little fat?”
This isn’t an example of a wrong thing; it’s the exact wrong thing that this poor sod did, in fact, say.

4. When slaying a vampire, there’s no need to beat him up ad nauseam; just stake him and be done with it.
This version is the correct spelling.

5. Buffy sought to kill most vampires, and vice versa.
Here’s the proper spelling. Vice rhymes with mice, not Lisa or Lysa.

Next week's grammar lesson: pronouns and what they're good for (if anything).

Also, look for a new Word Puzzler and the Peeve of the Week. I'm cranky enough to keep those coming for quite a while.

Latin Love, Part II

2009-09-10T21:07:00.004-05:00

Yesterday we looked at some common Latin phrases that still hold their spot in English. Here's some more Latin that you probably have seen or already use:

ad nauseam
Latin meaning: To seasickness.
English meaning: To a sickening degree; until I upchuck.
Common error: Misspelling

Example:
Today in class my English teacher droned on ad nauseam about Latin origins.

et cetera (etc.)
Latin meaning: and the rest
English meaning: and so on
Common error: Misspelling

In older texts, you might see et cetera abbreviated as &c. or et c. Today, if spelled out as above, et cetera is still two words, but the abbreviated etc. is one word, with a period to indicate its abbreviated status.

Example:
This blog covers English grammar, usage, punctuation, etc.

ibid. (ibidem)
Latin meaning: in the same place
English meaning: referring to the last reference cited
Common error: Confusion with op. cit. (see below); misspelling

Ibid. is used in a footnote when citing the same work as previously, sometimes with a different page number. For instance, perhaps footnote 1 looks like this:

1. William Strunk Jr. and E. B. White, The Elements of Style, 4th ed (New York: Allyn and Bacon, 2000), 14.

If footnote 2 references the exact same book, but a different page, it could say:

2. Ibid., 23.

If footnote 2 references the exact same book and the exact page number, it would say simply:

2. Ibid.

op. cit. (opere citato)
Latin & English meaning: in the work cited
Common error: Confusion with ibid. (see above); misspelling

Unlike ibid., which refers to the most recent footnote, op. cit. refers to a work cited two or more footnotes back. Let’s say we see footnote 1, as above:

1. William Strunk Jr. and E. B. White, The Elements of Style, 4th ed (New York: Allyn and Bacon, 2000), 14.

Then two or three footnotes intervene, citing other sources. But footnote 4 brings us back to The Elements of Style. The author might then use this:

4. Strunk & White, op. cit., 52.

This means “Look back to my footnote containing the citation for Strunk & White. This reference is on page 52 of that book. You may have to dig awhile. I’ll wait.”

The 15th edition of The Chicago Manual of Style says that op. cit. is going out of fashion. Not a bad thing.

vice versa
Latin meaning: The change being turned.
English meaning: The other way around.
Common error: Misspelling; mispronunciation

I hear this more in conversation than see it in writing: “Visa versa” or "Vice-a versa." Maybe because the speaker thinks it should be said with a little Italian lilt. It shouldn’t. Vice is one syllable. Versa is two.

Example:
I love my dog and vice versa. (= and my dog loves me)

Quiz over some of these tomorrow. Get ready.

Peeve of the Week: !?!?!!!

2009-09-10T05:00:00.003-05:00

Why does everyone feel the need to exclaim and question with such ferocity? An exclamation point means I’m shouting! Or, at the very least, I’m saying something very strongly! Question marks mean I’m confused. Maybe I’m not very bright.

The other day I walked into the coffee shop and saw a jar on the counter. The note taped to the jar read:

Tips Are Appreciated—THANK YOU!!!!

Guess what? I didn’t leave a nickel.

I don’t need anyone screaming THANK YOU!!!! in my ear. In fact, a sign like that doesn’t need any punctuation at all. It doesn’t even need a smiley face, though I guess I’d prefer that to my eardrums shattering. How much nicer if the sign read:

Tips Are Appreciated—Thanks

Or even:

Thanks for Tipping

Or, God forbid, forget the sign. Just let the blasted jar sit on the counter with a few coins in it. We’d get the idea.

And that’s another thing: Multiple exclamation points (or question marks) are insulting. It looks very much like you’ve had to tie yourself in knots to avoid adding “YOU IDIOT” to the end of your thought. If you e-mail a friend and say:

Got your message. What does it mean???

What you’re really saying is:

You fool, can’t you write a coherent e-mail? I haven’t got time to sift through your garbage. Jeez.

I don’t know about you, but I’m not likely to clarify myself to this clown.

Okay, rant over. Just calm down, okay, everyone??? That’s all I ask!!!

Loving Latin in English

2009-09-08T17:37:00.003-05:00

Hundreds of years ago, the English language crawled out of the muck on its amphibian legs and evolved into the strange and complex animal we know today. Around 600 AD—from whence dates the oldest historical record of English—the language was a rather German animal (thanks to invading tribes). Eventually, the invading Norsemen left their mark, and Latin and French also made big impacts.

We still see a lot of Latin in our Modern English. Erudite folks tend to spout quotes like “Veni, vidi, vici” (“I came, I saw, I conquered,” attributed to Caesar). But it would be nice if those using Latin did so correctly—hence this week’s lesson. Let’s take a look at some common Latin phrases and words and how to use them like a Roman emperor (instead of his illiterate servant):

alumnus (masculine), alumna (feminine), alumni (plural for males or mixed-gender group)
Latin meaning: foster child
English meaning: a graduate of a place of learning (referring to a male)
Common error: Having no clue how to form the feminine or plural

Carl is an alumnus of Kansas State University.
His wife is an alumna of The University of Kansas.
It’s amazing that the alumni of two competing schools were able to be joined in holy matrimony.

Note that Carl, being male, is an alumnus. His wife is female (alumna). When we speak of the two of them, the group is of mixed gender, and in the way of chauvinistic languages everywhere, we defer to the masculine plural: alumni.

For a group of women graduates, the word is alumnae.

et al.
Latin and English meaning: and others
Common error: Misspelled as et. al., et al, et. al, and so on

The period goes after the al because this is the abbreviated word. “Et” = and; “al.” stands for “alia,” meaning others.

e.g.
Latin & English meaning: for the sake of example; for example
Common error: Misspelling; confusion with id est (see below)

E.g. must have its periods because it’s a combination of two abbreviations: Exempli gratia. It’s just a fancy way of saying “for example”:

I wish we had something decent to eat, e.g., chocolate or ice cream.

The speaker is giving examples of what she would call “decent.” Broccoli and Brussels sprouts don’t make the list.

i.e.
Latin & English meaning: that is
Common error: Misspelling; confusion with e.g.

Short for id est, this expression must also retain a period after each letter. It’s used to further clarify what you’re talking about, not to give an example. Compare these two sentences:

Joanie waited years to get what she wanted most from Chachi—that is, a passionate kiss.
Joanie wished Chachi would be more romantic—for example, litter her bed with rose petals or buy her some perfume.

In example 1, Joanie wants one thing from Chachi—it’s a kiss, no exceptions. In example 2, Joanie would accept any number of romantic gestures from loutish Chachi. She comes up with two ideas, but she’s probably got a lot more.

Now, substitute i.e. in example 1; e.g. goes in example 2.

Joanie waited years to get what she wanted most from Chachi, i.e., a passionate kiss.
Joanie wished Chachi would be more romantic, e.g., litter her bed with rose petals or buy her some perfume.

Note that when we use these two, we simply surround them with commas and call it good. I prefer using the dashes in the other cases, only because the sentence looks a bit run-on with commas.

Part II of Latin Learning comes tomorrow. Because of the short week, I’m bypassing the Word Puzzler, but it will return next week, same bat time, same bat channel.

Quiz #4: Nouns

2009-09-04T05:00:00.002-05:00

Review nouns if you must here. Then apply your knowledge below. Choose the correct word(s) in the parentheses for each sentence.

1. The audience always (applaud / applauds) when The Great Sergio appears.

2. Every one of my nieces (love / loves) J. K. Rowling’s books.

3. I wouldn’t call (McDonald’s / mcdonald’s) a fine (Restaurant / restaurant).

4. What Harry did was a complete secret, so naturally, the whole school (know / knows) about it.

5. That (dictionary / Dictionary) is the best on the market.

ANSWERS

1. The audience always applauds when The Great Sergio appears.

The audience acts as a unit; all the people applaud together. Hence, we treat them as one person and use the singular verb: applauds.

2. Every one of my nieces loves J. K. Rowling’s books.

Remember, every and each talk about one person or thing at a time. Everyone loves a party.

3. I wouldn’t call McDonald’s a fine restaurant.

McDonald’s is a specific place—a proper noun. It’s only one of many restaurants: a common noun.

4. What Harry did was a complete secret, so naturally, the whole school knows about it.

Again, the school thinks with one mind. It knows Harry’s secret.

5. That dictionary is the best on the market.

Although you may be tempted to capitalize dictionary as a specific book, the sentence itself tells you it’s only one of many of its kind. It’s still just a common noun, unless you’re talking about Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary.

Grammar lessons and quizzes continue ad nauseam every week. Ad what? Learn a little Latin in next week's lesson.

Peeve of the Week: I Could Care Less

2009-09-03T12:19:00.002-05:00

No, the title doesn’t mean I don’t care about this week’s peeve. Actually, it drives me up a tree.

In fact, consider this sentence:

Lloyd could care less if Bill is dating Diane.

Okay ... Right now Lloyd cares a certain amount (but we aren’t saying how much). This is obvious because Lloyd could care less.

What’s the problem? Here’s what we mean to say:

Lloyd couldn’t care less if Bill is dating Diane.

The point is, Lloyd doesn’t care at all. There’s no way he could care less about Bill’s dating habits. You couldn’t pay Lloyd to care about it.

So why do we say “Lloyd could care less”? Because of the big grammar boogeyman: laziness.

When I was a kid, I used to hear this phrase all the time: “So what? I couldn’t care less.”

I thought it was very clever at the time (well, I was a kid). But then I got puzzled because as time passed, the “n’t” disappeared. People got tired of saying the word “couldn’t.” It just had too many syllables. Oh well, they thought; we’ll just knock off one. People will still get the idea.

Sadly, when you play to the lowest common denominator, everyone follows. Together we sink into the muck of grammar confusion.

But you know what I’d say to that—I could care less. (A whole lot less.)

ANSWER: Word Puzzler No. 9

2009-09-02T05:00:00.000-05:00

How'd you do on your puzzling? Did you figure out that adding -TAIL to each word creates a new word?

PIGTAIL PONYTAIL BOBTAIL DOVETAIL SWALLOWTAIL
COTTONTAIL

A new puzzler every Tuesday. And answers every Wednesday. What could be easier?

Word Puzzler No. 9

2009-09-01T05:00:00.000-05:00

Think creatively! That's what thinks.com Brain Teasers are all about. What do the following words have in common?

PIG PONY BOB DOVE SWALLOW COTTON

Come back tomorrow, and all will be revealed.

Collective Nouns

2009-08-30T20:51:00.003-05:00

Am I bonkers to write a grammar lesson about nouns? We all get it, right?

Nouns by themselves aren’t so tricky—after all, they’re just persons, places, or things. But remember that there are two kinds of nouns: proper and common.

Proper nouns are names of specific people, places, or things. They are capitalized. Common nouns are generic, so to speak. They are lowercased. For example:

Let’s go to a restaurant for lunch. (restaurant = common)
Let’s go to Chez Provence for lunch. (Chez Provence is the name of a restaurant = proper)

That company is most surely going under. (company = common)
Dust Bunnies & More is most surely going under. (Dust Bunnies & More = proper)

I don’t understand half of what that girl says. (girl = common)
I don’t understand half of what Anita says. (Anita = proper)

Now. What about collective nouns? Are they singular or plural?

My family is / are coming to stay for a week.
The student body is / are revolting.
The entire population need / needs to pay taxes.

According to the venerable Chicago Manual of Style (15/e), collective nouns are most often, though not always, singular. Generally, a collective noun considers the entire “collection” as a single unit.

My family is coming to stay for a week.

The whole family is coming en masse; what’s more, we’re speaking of them as a group, not as individuals.

Margaret Shertzer, author of Elements of Grammar (Longman, 1996), agrees that collective nouns are generally singular. But this changes if it’s obvious that the members of the group don’t act together. She offers this clever example:

The jury have disagreed as to their verdict.

We’re speaking of a group, but they aren’t acting as a group. Back to the hotel with that jury.

EACH & EVERY

Here’s a common error:

Every boy in the family received their allowance on Friday.

Did you spot the problem? The subject of the sentence isn’t every boys; it’s every boy. We’re speaking of each boy as a separate person. Hence:

Every boy in the family received his allowance on Friday.

And also:

Each cheerleader owns a set of pom poms.

If you have trouble remembering this, or you’ve developed a bad habit, just remember that

Everyone loves a party.

It’s not

Everyone love a party.

And not everyone does, either.

A nasty quiz will come on Friday. But you'll have the whole period to work on it, and if you finish early, you can play bingo in the back of the room while everyone else slaves (not "slave") away.

Quiz #3: The Adjective

2009-08-29T11:43:00.004-05:00

You remember adverbs, right? Review them here if you need to. Then decide which word fits into these sentences:

1. Marie looked (beautiful / beautifully) in her wedding dress.

2. Paul glanced (nervous / nervously) down the aisle as she approached.

3. The minister groomed his (thin / thinly) moustache.

4. Rolling her eyes, the maid of honor snapped her (well- / good- ) groomed fingers. “Hurry up already!”

5. The (shocked / shockingly ) congregation gasped at her rudeness.

ANSWERS

1. Marie looked beautiful in her wedding dress.

This is a tricky one. The adjective describes Marie, not really “how” she looked. If she was looking out the window, she might be looking anxiously or longingly. But that is a different use of the word. Here, to look is similar to the verb to be in how it functions.

2. Paul glanced nervously down the aisle as she approached.

There you have an action, glanced, which demands an adverb. If you do want to use an adjective to describe Paul, and not how he did the glancing, you can write the sentence this way:

Nervous, Paul glanced down the aisle as she approached.

In other words, Paul is nervous; but he may not show it in his glance. His glancing might be quite serene, when in fact he feels like throwing up.

3. The minister groomed his thin moustache.

Cut and dried here: Moustache = noun; thin = adjective describing it.

4. Rolling her eyes, the maid of honor snapped her well-groomed fingers. “Hurry up already!”

Well and good tend to give people headaches. Well is an adverb; here it describes groomed, which is an adjective. (Her fingers are not poorly groomed; they’re well groomed.) Good is an adjective. It can only describe nouns.

That said, English has the occasional quirky colloquialism like this:

Beatrice took a deep breath. She felt good today.

Shouldn’t this be well? Felt is a verb! Perhaps, but this is an idiom that has taken hold and won’t let go. “To feel good” and “To feel well” have slightly different meanings. Also consider whether dinner smells good or well. Of course it smells good; but someone who’s just got over a cold might rejoice, “Finally! I smell well!”

5. The shocked congregation gasped at her rudeness.

Again, the congregation is a noun; shocked is the adjective describing it (or them—more about that later).

Speaking of which, what about collective nouns (family, congregation, class, company)? What’s the right way to handle them? That’s next week’s grammar groaner.

By the way, if you’re wondering why I bothered to discuss danglers this week and didn’t quiz you on them (after you studied so hard, too!), I apologize. Frankly, I wasn’t that happy with my explanation and I think danglers deserve a separate, more exhaustive lesson. That will be fodder for the future. Stay tuned.

Common English Errors Corrected

2009-08-28T21:38:00.002-05:00

Retweeting a great find from @Bookgal, aka the inspiring marketing expert Penny Sansevieri: a collection of English usage errors (and their corrections). Paul Brians, author of Common Errors in English Usage, is a professor emeritus of English at Washington State University. There’s nothing fancy about this website, but it gives good, solid, and free information. That said, nothing beats the hard copy. It’s worth browsing and buying!

Those Darn Danglers

2009-08-28T21:22:00.002-05:00

Dangling participles, that is. And because we’re talking about adjectives this week, that’s the sort of participle I’m talking about: a dangling participial adjective.

If that sounds like a whole lot of teacherspeak, forgive me. The frustrated grammar teacher does lurk within, no matter that I shut myself away during the full moon. But what else can you call them? Here’s the scoop:

Some long verbal phrases act as adjectives, even though they’re several words long. Witness:

Cooing like a baby, Mary Anne lured the gorilla into Gilligan’s hut.
Growling dangerously, the gorilla approached the hammock.
Startled out of a sound sleep, Gilligan leaped from his hammock.

Now I know what you’re thinking. Well, maybe you’re thinking about ice cream, but if you’re focused, I know what you’re thinking. Cooing and growling—those are verbs, right? Mary Anne is cooing and the gorilla is growling.

Yes. But.

The way these phrases are positioned in the sentence, as gerunds (-ing verbs), makes them a participial phrase. Yes, Mary Anne is both cooing and luring; but we’re using one verb to show her action, the other to describe her as she’s performing the action.

The distinction isn’t that important. What is important is that this classic structure—the –ing verb in a descriptive phrase, either followed by or preceded by a comma—is a participial phrase. And boy, do they dangle.

Here’s why:

Mary Anne beckoned to the gorilla, cooing like a baby.

Who’s doing the cooing now? If it’s Mary Anne, we’ve got a problem. A participial phrase—or, for short, participle—modifies what it’s closest to. Otherwise, it’s called a dangling participle, and confusion arises.

Who’s doing what in these examples?

Streaking by at the speed of light, I couldn’t read the name on the Martian starship.
Creaking and groaning, Marie felled the zombie with her axe.
Sparkling in the sun, we stopped for a picnic near a beautiful lake.

All these participial phrases—also modifiers, which can dangle or be misplaced—are in trouble. They don’t describe the noun closest to them. Here’s how they should look, to avoid people saying, “Huh?”

I couldn’t read the name on the Martian starship streaking by at the speed of light.
Better still: The Martian starship streaked by me at the speed of light. I couldn’t read its name.

One blow from Marie’s axe and the zombie fell, creaking and groaning.
We stopped for a picnic near a beautiful lake sparkling in the sun.

I promised a quiz, didn’t I? Tune in tomorrow for a quiz on all that is adjectives.

Peeve of the Week: They

2009-08-26T11:13:00.003-05:00

I’ve got no problem with this pronoun—it does its job admirably—but it simply can’t stand in for whatever you like! Here’s a sentence I hear over and over (with some variation):

If a student needs help, they should ask the teacher.

Okay, I’m trying to contain my temper here. Pronoun basics, folks: they is a plural pronoun. It can refer to a group of males, a group of females, or a mixed-gender group. But it’s plural. Plural = more than one.

In the more grammatical past, that sentence would have read (without question):

If a student needs help, he should ask the
teacher.

They (as well as their) has crept into common use as an attempt to level the chauvinistic playing field of English grammar. Most languages have the same problem. I’m on board with the spirit, just not the execution. Feminism is no excuse for butchering the language. So:

If students need help, they should ask the teacher.

Bingo! Students = plural; they = plural

Or, awkward as it may seem:

If a student needs help, he or
she should ask the teacher.

In some cases, such as a long article in which this construction comes up frequently, an author will switch between he and she:

If a student needs help, she should ask the teacher. The student’s peers may not be equipped to give her the assistance she requires. She can’t always rely on a friend, however well meaning he may be.

Before this paragraph leads the reader to identify a gender too closely with an anonymous example student, the author will switch genders in the next example:

After consulting with his friends, a student may find he’s the class genius.

Whatever method you choose, don’t resort to the lazy use of a plural pronoun just because you’ve heard it or (horrors) read it before.

ANSWER: Word Puzzler No. 8

2009-08-26T10:47:00.002-05:00

An English word of 9 letters and only one vowel?

STRENGTHS

How did you do?

Tomorrow: More about adjectives that dangle (oh, the horror!).

Word Puzzler No. 8

2009-08-25T05:00:00.000-05:00

At what do you excel? Are puzzlers your forté? If so, try to think of a 9-letter word that contains only one vowel. It's not foreign or a weird chemical or anything else the average English speaker wouldn't know.

Hint: Read the question again. The hint is buried within.

Answer to come tomorrow!

About Adjectives

2009-08-24T22:49:00.003-05:00

What’s an adjective? Will it change your life to know? More important, will it help you write better and more clearly if you do know?

I’m using some of these initial blogs to define some basic parts of speech. I don’t care so much about diagramming sentences, but sometimes knowing what you’re working with is helpful. I’m betting most of you already know what an adjective is—a describing word that modifies (describes) a noun (a person, place, or thing).

English speakers have it easy on the adjective front. Unlike a French or German speaker, we don’t have to think about whether the noun our adjective is modifying is masculine or feminine (the spelling, and sometimes the pronunciation, would differ). On the other hand, English is left a bit imprecise. (Descartes: Ce qui n’est pas clair n’est pas français—That which is not clear is not French.)

Consider these. Where are the adjectives?

Example A: The beagle has grown a bit pudgy from eating too many Milkbones.
Example B: Giselle stood in the rain, wet and alone, waiting for her prince.
Example C: Come outside. Joyce is waiting in the empty parking lot.

Example A: What describes our beagle? Pudgy. What describes the Milkbones? Many. (Too describes many—it tells how many. That makes it an adverb.)

Example B: There’s our princess standing in Times Square. Wet and alone describe Giselle. What about waiting for her prince? That’s a participle functioning as an adjective. The main verb is still stood; waiting describes Giselle.

Example C: Joyce is ... what? Grumpy? Disdainful? Bored? No. In fact, we don’t know anything about Joyce—except what she is doing. Waiting is not an adjective. It's an auxiliary verb (is) plus its principal verb (waiting), present tense. Tricky. You do have a parking lot, though—and it’s empty.

Adjectives are fairly straightforward, but they can come in a few different, even wonky, forms. We’ll talk a bit more about participial adjectives later in the week. What’s their trick? They tend to dangle.

Quiz #2: What Is an Adverb?

2009-08-21T05:00:00.000-05:00

Remember: Adverbs modify or describe verbs, adjectives, and other adverbs. Adjectives modify nouns. Choose the right word in the following sentences. Need a refresher course? Read the week’s lesson on adverbs here.

1. Denise drives (shocking / shockingly) well considering she’s had her license only a week.

2. Horace gazed at his goose (adoring / adoringly) while she made mincemeat of the principal’s desk.

3. It’s important to walk (slow / slowly) when crossing in front of the wildebeest herd.

4. Because you did your chores so (good / well), I’ll let you stay up to watch David Letterman tonight.

5. “I’m afraid you’ve done a very (bad / badly) job on your math,” said the geometry teacher.

ANSWERS

1. Denise drives shockingly well considering she’s had her license only a week.

The –ly gives this away as an adverb; it describes how Denise drives.

2. Horace gazed at his goose adoringly while she made mincemeat of the principal’s desk.

Again, how did Horace gaze at the goose? Adoringly. But consider this:

Horace gazed at his goose, adoring the way she made mincemeat of the principal’s desk.

Why adoring here? Because the word doesn’t describe the gazing. It’s a participial phrase, giving us more information about what Horace was doing. More about these constructions at a later time.

3. It’s important to walk slowly when crossing in front of the wildebeest herd.

This one’s tricky. Common convention, and even Merriam-Webster, tell us that “walk slow” is perfectly acceptable. I don’t like it, though. You can walk fast—there’s no such word as fastly—but slow is an adjective. That said, slow has been used as an adverb for centuries, so I suppose I should get over it. Still, there’s one construction you can’t argue with. Consider:

Put your hands up, slowly walk to the car, and no one will get hurt.

You can’t say “slow walk to the car.”

4. Because you did your chores so well, I’ll let you stay up to watch David Letterman tonight.

Despite what you hear in conversation, this one’s rock-solid. Well is an adverb; good is an adjective.

5. “I’m afraid you’ve done a very bad job on your math,” said the geometry teacher.

Badly just sounds wrong, doesn’t it? Lucky for us, because otherwise you might agonize that somehow badly modifies done, a verb form. Nope: Bad modifies job—it’s just a plain old adjective.

Think you know your adjectives? Let’s find out. Come back for another round of grammar torture next week.

Peeve of the Week: It’s vs. Its

2009-08-20T05:00:00.003-05:00

Stop confounding these two! I’ve seen this mistake three times in one week and that’s my limit.

it’s = it + is OR it + has
Examples:
“It’s raining in London this morning,” said Her Majesty with some surprise.
Thank God it’s Friday.
It’s not nice to fool Mother Nature.
It’s been three days since I pulled my hair out and it still hasn’t grown back.
It’s been lovely seeing you again.

its = possessive
Examples:
The zoo was forced to close its doors once the tiger escaped.
The tiger brought its prey to the cinema to eat during the movie.
I don’t see how the bomb exploded if its timer stopped working.
You’ll never open that file cabinet. Its drawers are all double-locked.

Foolproof Hint: Try substituting it’s or its with “it is” or “it has.” If neither one makes sense, you’re dealing with a possessive.

And thank you for letting me rant.

Read more on apostrophes here.